Oh, goddammit.
“ONCE AGAIN, AH HAVE SNATCHED FUN FROM THE JAWS OF A KIDNAPPIN’!”
“This my guy. Right here? Is my guy.”
Why do parties keep breaking out during hostage situations?
“WHY DO HOSTAGE SITUATIONS KEEP HAPPENIN’ DURING PARTIES? THAT KATANA DONE CUTS BOTH WAYS.”
It doesn’t.
” A KATANA IS AN CHINESE SWORD FOR DOIN’ KARATE WITH.”
It’s not.
“He right. It not.”
Don’t help, you. Elvis? Where’s the nuke?
“FINE.”
“Is cool.”
Oh, God.
“NO WORRIES ‘BOUT NOTHIN’.”
“Is all good in hood.”
…
Did Doctor Gary–
“DOCTOR GARY DONE STOLE THE NUKE.”
–steal the…FUCK! How!?
“IT’S A PARTY, MAN. STUFF GOES MISSIN’!”
Records! Silverware! Knick-knacks! Not fission devices!
“Had party once. Picture go missing. Had guests strip-searched, found picture. Execute. Make party continue, make guests dance. Later execute thief family.”
…
“THASS A FUCKED-UP STORY, UNAGI.”
Don’t give him a nickname. Where is Doctor Gary and the nuke, Elvis?
“AH DUNNO.”
“Got me.”
“NOT FAR, THOUGH.”
Excuse me if “not far” doesn’t make me feel better right now. Just to make clear: the nuclear weapon Kim Jong-Un brought with him to the King Tut suite of the Luxor hotel is now in the possession of a treasonous Nobel Laureate wanted in several states for bigamy? And–AND–we do not know where said possession is taking place?
“SOUNDS ‘BOUT RIGHT!”
“Good exposition.”
You’re both idiots. Wait there.
…
Katy?
Oh, you look just as insane as those two.
“Casino ownership is not for everyone.”
Oh, no. No. You promised you wouldn’t–
“I’ve started peeing in jars.”
–start peeing in jars. Dammit, Katy: I don’t wanna do the Howard Hughes bit.
“The stress is not good. Just the signatures! Do you know how many things a casino owner has to sign every day?”
Many?
“More than that.”
Too many?
“That many, yes. I hired someone for a couple days to sign everything, but then I had to have all these long discussions with lawyers. One of them was cute.”
Katy, have you given up?
“Not on purpose, but I think I’m having a bit of a breakdown. No one’s helping me! I call John, and call, and he screws around in LA and goes to parties and leaves me here, and all this was his fault! And where’s the new one? In Europe, naked. I’m just guessing, but I’m probably right.”
Sounds right.
“Men. Men started this whole nonsense, and men made it worse, and then men refused to clean up their mess. Men, always men. I’m all alone, and I’m giving up.”
…
CELL PHONE NOISE
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Hello.”
“Katy Perry, I heard what you said and you’re right. Women have to stick together, and not expect some prince to come along and us. I’m coming to help you!”
“Who is this?”
“It is I, the Lady Gaga.”
“OMG! Love you!”
“No, you.”
“Gaga! I own the Luxor Hotel and Kim Jong-Un checked–”
“Stop! The Lady Gaga requires no exposition. I have been briefed.”
“Wow.”
“I am choosing outfits that I will pack into the Gagamobile, so I’m not leaving immediately, but I’m on my way.”
“Gaga, I’m in Vegas. Shouldn’t you fly?”
“I know a shortcut. For I am the Lady Gaga.”
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