Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

88 Lines About 44 Presidents

Georgie was a general;
He had bad teeth and lots of slaves.
Adams built the White House;
Once, he killed a deejay at a rave.

Jefferson, a brainy sort:
He liked to read and write and drink.
Madison (don’t call him Jim);
Invented scissors and the sink.

Madison, in 1812;
He got his ass kicked in a war.*
Monroe, well he joined the coasts.
And as for slavery, he was “for.”

Quincy was John Adams’ son,
He didn’t really do a lot;
Andrew Jackson did too much;
Forget about the guy he shot.

Van Buren had a funny name,
And he once ate a badger whole.
Harrison, poor Harrison.
He wore no coat and caught a cold.

Johnny Tyler, you did something;
I’m sure there are books on you.
James K. Polk was polkarific;
I don’t really know these two.

Taylor, Zach, who was a mutant;
He had far too many toes.
Millard Fillmore was a duck;
He dressed in fancy human clothes.

Franklin Pierce, you did a shit job;
All the lists have judged you poor.
James Buchanan never married;
Couldn’t stop the Civil War.

Honest Abe was tall and skinny;
Wore a hat and went to plays.
Andy Johnson was a shitbag;
Didn’t mind the olden ways.

U.S. Grant, man, what a soldier;
Not a real good president.
Rutherford, he had a big beard;
Brushed his teeth with Pepsodent.

James A. Garfield loved lasagna;
Hated Mondays and the dog.
Chester Arthur was a singer;
They called him the Velvet Fog.

Grover Cleveland is a rest stop;
Drivers stop to pee and poo.
Then Harrison for just four years;
And Grover Cleveland made it two.

McKinley, he died while in office;
All the details are banal.
Roosevelt couldn’t get the smell out;
So he built a big canal.

William Taft, well he was heavy.
Weighed a quarter-ton they say.
Woodrow Wilson had no earlobes;
Doesn’t to this very day.

Warren Harding from Ohio;
He sold off the Teapot Dome;
Calvin Coolidge didn’t say much;
Never cared for Sly Stallone.

Herbert Hoover had bad timing;
Six months in and then the end.
FDR was in a wheelchair;
Churchill was his special friend.

Dropped the bomb, did Harry S;
That put an end to that right quick.
Eisenhower built our highways;
His VP was a man named Dick.

JFK was young and handsome;
Liked fast women and made men.
LBJ was not as pretty;
So he didn’t run again.

Nixon was a crook and viper;
Crazy as a shithouse rat.
Gerald Ford, he pardoned Nixon
And that was the end of that.

Jimmy Carter was from Georgia;
Had a brother and big hair.
Ronald Reagan, people loved him;
He was not completely there.

Georgie Bush, the first and elder
He gave us a teevee war.
Billy Clinton was a doozy;
Nearly impeached from the floor.

W, the next in line;
He looked as though he’d seen a ghost.
Barry O, the last elected;
You’re the one I’ll miss the most.

*I realize I repeated Madison, but changing it would require rewriting the whole thing; the error remains. In fact: I meant to do it.

4 Comments

  1. Patrick Gavin Duffy

    February 20, 2017 at 10:46 pm

    Where’s my fave ’60s golden boy from Camelot, JFfuckin’Kennedy?? But still very funny…

  2. I kind of like John Quincy Adams.

    Johnny Tyler you did something–well, he had a Confederate flag over his coffin at his burial. That’s what he’s most known for I think. He’d fit right in with the current administration.

  3. Well done,

    Makes me think of “Jimmy Carter” by Electric 6.

    It mentions Jimmy and Harry Truman while mocking the Backstreet boys.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*