Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

88 Lines About 44 Presidents

Georgie was a general;
He had bad teeth and lots of slaves.
Adams built the White House;
Once, he killed a deejay at a rave.

Jefferson, a brainy sort:
He liked to read and write and drink.
Madison (don’t call him Jim);
Invented scissors and the sink.

Madison, in 1812;
He got his ass kicked in a war.*
Monroe, well he joined the coasts.
And as for slavery, he was “for.”

Quincy was John Adams’ son,
He didn’t really do a lot;
Andrew Jackson did too much;
Forget about the guy he shot.

Van Buren had a funny name,
And he once ate a badger whole.
Harrison, poor Harrison.
He wore no coat and caught a cold.

Johnny Tyler, you did something;
I’m sure there are books on you.
James K. Polk was polkarific;
I don’t really know these two.

Taylor, Zach, who was a mutant;
He had far too many toes.
Millard Fillmore was a duck;
He dressed in fancy human clothes.

Franklin Pierce, you did a shit job;
All the lists have judged you poor.
James Buchanan never married;
Couldn’t stop the Civil War.

Honest Abe was tall and skinny;
Wore a hat and went to plays.
Andy Johnson was a shitbag;
Didn’t mind the olden ways.

U.S. Grant, man, what a soldier;
Not a real good president.
Rutherford, he had a big beard;
Brushed his teeth with Pepsodent.

James A. Garfield loved lasagna;
Hated Mondays and the dog.
Chester Arthur was a singer;
They called him the Velvet Fog.

Grover Cleveland is a rest stop;
Drivers stop to pee and poo.
Then Harrison for just four years;
And Grover Cleveland made it two.

McKinley, he died while in office;
All the details are banal.
Roosevelt couldn’t get the smell out;
So he built a big canal.

William Taft, well he was heavy.
Weighed a quarter-ton they say.
Woodrow Wilson had no earlobes;
Doesn’t to this very day.

Warren Harding from Ohio;
He sold off the Teapot Dome;
Calvin Coolidge didn’t say much;
Never cared for Sly Stallone.

Herbert Hoover had bad timing;
Six months in and then the end.
FDR was in a wheelchair;
Churchill was his special friend.

Dropped the bomb, did Harry S;
That put an end to that right quick.
Eisenhower built our highways;
His VP was a man named Dick.

JFK was young and handsome;
Liked fast women and made men.
LBJ was not as pretty;
So he didn’t run again.

Nixon was a crook and viper;
Crazy as a shithouse rat.
Gerald Ford, he pardoned Nixon
And that was the end of that.

Jimmy Carter was from Georgia;
Had a brother and big hair.
Ronald Reagan, people loved him;
He was not completely there.

Georgie Bush, the first and elder
He gave us a teevee war.
Billy Clinton was a doozy;
Nearly impeached from the floor.

W, the next in line;
He looked as though he’d seen a ghost.
Barry O, the last elected;
You’re the one I’ll miss the most.

*I realize I repeated Madison, but changing it would require rewriting the whole thing; the error remains. In fact: I meant to do it.


  1. Patrick Gavin Duffy

    February 20, 2017 at 10:46 pm

    Where’s my fave ’60s golden boy from Camelot, JFfuckin’Kennedy?? But still very funny…

  2. I kind of like John Quincy Adams.

    Johnny Tyler you did something–well, he had a Confederate flag over his coffin at his burial. That’s what he’s most known for I think. He’d fit right in with the current administration.

  3. Well done,

    Makes me think of “Jimmy Carter” by Electric 6.

    It mentions Jimmy and Harry Truman while mocking the Backstreet boys.

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