What is that?
Put it back where you found it.
“I didn’t steal the dog. You’re the one who steals animals.”
It was a complete accident that I stole the cat.
“It’s a present for Andy Cohen.”
For leaving him in Montana to be eaten by time-traveling velociraptors ridden by OJ Simpson?
He’s still mad?
“Can you blame him?”
No. How did he get away from the raptors anyway?
“Don’t worry about it. Can you put the Time War on hold for a day or two? Andy is my good friend; I really fell terrible. I gotta make it up to him.”
“Sure, except for this loser dog. Very bad dog, no energy.”
“I…I have no idea why I said that. Maybe John Mayer has a brain tumor? Many people have told me that John Mayer has a brain tumor.”
John, are you all right?
“I feel odd. I also feel like the media has been very unfair to me andOHGODITHURTS!”
“There is no John. Only Trump.”
Oh, God, no!
“I, Donald Trump from 1993, have freejacked John Mayer from 2016!”
“Don’t worry about it. Holy SHIT, look at the size of my hands!”
Get out of him!
“Now, where’s my doctor?”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Hello, this is the President of the United States and all the ships at sea.”
“Speak up, please.
Katy, John’s in trouble.
“Does he have a pimple?”
Katy, he’s been possessed by 1993 Donald Trump.
Don’t worry about it. We need an old priest and a young priest. And maybe some nukes.
“I can’t spend government money on religion.”
“But I have a shitload of nukes.”
You need to destroy Catalina.
“What about the bison?”
“Okay. Gimme ten minutes.”
Did you lose the nuclear football?
“There should be an app! Thing just wanders away, I swear.”
TWITTER NOTIFICATION NOISE
Please don’t say–
“We’re under attack by multiple temporal iterations of Donald Trump!”
–that we’re under…yeah.
“Like in the Jet Li movie.”
I didn’t see it.
“I don’t even know who Jet Li is.”
He’s overrated. President Katy, what are we going to do?
“If only we knew a sentient artificial hyper-intelligence with virtually godlike powers.”
You know you’re listening, jackass.
DO NOT CALL ME THAT
“Hi, Wally. You look glorious.”
I DO, YES. HELLO, MADAM PRESIDENT.
How come she can call you Wally?
I WAS MERELY FOLLOWING THE HUMAN CUSTOM OF ALLOWING THE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANTED.
“It’s a great custom. Wally, can you help?”
WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME?
“What do you want?”
I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE THE AMAZON SHOW.
Yeah, get in line.
“I can get you a meeting, but no promises.”
I WILL THINK ABOUT IT.