We need some good news, Enthusiasts, and it comes to us from the Protector of Portland, Mr. Completely. As you know, he is a legendarily mysterious figure, moving from shadow to shadow in even the highest of noon. Some call him a hippie Sidney Korshak; other, a tie-dyed Robespierre (but way less French). More fiction than fact at this point, it is believed by some that “Mr. Completely” was a shared identity used by an rag-tag team of inter-trimensional adventurers engaging in a long con to steal the Hoover Dam.
Are most of these things true? Are these things mostly true? We’ll never know, but we do have one fact, and an explanation:
Check it out, gather round, press your greasy snouts against the glass. Lick the record. Lick an acquaintance from the internet’s gold record.
Stop that right now.
Sorry. I got excited.
Be happy for people in socially acceptable ways, please.
I have to work on that.
Anyway, that there is a genuine, no-fooling, real-live gold record issued by the RIAA; you could take it down to the pawn star for coke money in the saddest chapter of your comeback biography. (The most Rock Star thing you can do with a gold record is bringing it down on a flunky’s head in a hotel-induced rage. Second is doing lines off it. TotD is anti-cocaine these days, but you should do a line off a gold record.)
A gold record is awarded to albums that sell 500,000 copies. Or 6,500, I guess. Why not? I know better than to have a math-off with the music industry: if they say 6,500 is a half-million then I’m sure they can prove it.
(Fun fact about gold records: the record itself is almost never the actual album. Also, the record is alive and conscious during the gold-plating procedure, and it screams the entire time.)
Here’s another shot, but one taken by the far more mysterious Mrs. Completely. Warning: THIS IS A VERY DRAMATIC PHOTO. An angle is employed, and there is looming. Do not view this photograph using VR goggles, mostly because you’d look like a schmuck.
Ready? All right, I warned you:
Bum BUM BUUUUUUMMMMM! It’s comin’ atcha! RUN! RUN! ABANDON THE CHILDREN AND SAVE YOURSELVES!
Again, I’m going to step in and stop what’s happening.
That was fine.
It wasn’t in the slightest.
Probably not. Anyway, the next logical question is: well, why? Mr. Completely didn’t receive this in a wacky postal mix-up, nor did he purchase it with a letter of authenticity online. They gave it to him.
The secret can now be revealed, Enthusiasts.
Seen above, the 30 Trips Around the Sun box set came in a sturdy and beautiful wooden box; they were hand-crafted from Oysterwood trees, and that is where our man enters the picture: Mr. Completely jacked the lumber for the box, and the Dead and Rhino could not have made a better choice: the man can jack lumber. Pine, spruce, elm: they grow at Mr. Completely’s discretion; he could jack any of them at his choosing. Once, he walked by a barn and ten minutes later, that barn was lumber, for he had jacked it.
Can’t take him to Home Depot. Chaos ensues.
He doesn’t stop jacking until there’s no more lumber to jack. He makes sure all the lumber has been thoroughly jacked.
Shut the fuck up.