Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Conversation With The Doctor’s Office




“May I speak to Mr. on the Dead? I am calling from the doctor’s office. This is in reference to his butthole.”

Didn’t I talk to you last summer?

“I have wonderful news, sir.”


“My azaleas are coming in.”

Do you have any news relating to me?

“A colorful garden is good news for the world, sir.”


“The doctor can’t stop talking about your butthole.”

I wish he would.

“It is a compliment, sir. He blogged about it.”


“The doctor also wanted me to thank you for showering up. People do not know how to wash they ass.”


“They come into this office and drop their drawers: it is like a half-eaten waffle covered in chocolate sauce.”

That’s disgusting.

“But you do not want to eat that. A waffle is a treat, but these sphincters are not.”


“They are tricks. I believe some of these people get nasty on purpose before they come up in here.”

I don’t want to believe that.

“Spend all night eating Indian food and all morning jogging. Then they hit the asshole doctor.”


“I know, but the doctor is an asshole.”


“He has lost many rings in patients.”

That’s not true.

“You should check. Do you have a good flashlight app?”

Can you just tell me the test results, please?

“Oh, Lord: I cannot read these things. They are written in gibberbibble. Hold on.”

Please don’t–

“Doc! Remember that pucker you loved so much? He gonna die?”

“We all gonna die eventually. I meant right now.”

“No, I haven’t seen your watch. Mr. on the Dead?”

I gotta get new insurance.

“I have wonderful news. Your asshole has not turned against you.”


“It will.”




“You’ve had a taste of your future.”

I’m hanging up the phone.

“Review us on Yelp!”



  1. what, no comments on this one?

    read down to the Dali bit

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    July 10, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    i’m in a band called the Anal Fissures. we come by the moniker honestly. my personal story involves what appeared to be an unassuming bowl of Soupe a l’Onion Gratinee. took a long time to mend, had many flare ups in the early years. you can join if you want; you tickle the ivories, no?

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