80’s Supermodel Christy Turlington. A dark horse pick, Turlington resembled an alien cricket that did yoga, but in a good way. Plus, all the Supermodels had personae back then: Stephanie Seymour and Naomi Campbell were Bad Girls, and Kathy Ireland was the Girl Next Door, and Christie Brinkley was the California Girl; Christy Turlington was the Downtown Chick. She was ruthlessly from New York, and she went to NYU and married Ed Burns and carried her yoga mat all around the Village; also, her face had a lot of angles, just like the Flatiron Building.
Surfboard I have no idea. There must be a BEST EVAR surfboard, but I am not the man to ask. I am excellent at standing on ground, and that’s it. Pogo sticks, ladders, skateboards: I cannot stand on these things. There’s no reason to think I can figure out surfing.
Morning Dew When it comes to the song Morning Dew, I’m a bit of a purist; I prefer the Dobson version. Cannot award a BEST EVAR in this category.
Bobby T-Shirt This is tough: lot of contenders. Snake T-Shirt jumps out to an early and almost insurmountable lead, followed by Madonna Shirt and Izod. Actually: not tough at all. It’s Snake T-Shirt by a mile and here’s why: the other garments were recognizably human. Lots of people wear Madonna shirts, but I’ve never seen another soul wear Snake T-Shirt. It legitimately may have come from Creepy Ernie’s.
Chainsaw Husquvarna. I ache for the day when I’ll need a chainsaw, and will be able to say to the chainsaw salesman and his mustache, “Give me the Husquvarna,” and he will say, “Which model?” and I will answer “The one that chainsaws the best, please.” He will judge me as a man.
Minglewood Fucked if I know. You could just pick a version from ’77 at random and make up an argument, honestly.
God, Greek Hephaestus. Only one of those inbred lunatics that had a job; Hephaestus made stuff; he was an engineer. Got repaid by being thrown off a mountain.
God, Hindu We all know the BEST EVAR god in Hinduism is Ganesha. Might be the best one overall. You throw lightning bolts? You died for our sins? That guy’s got an elephant’s head; he wins.
Universal Pictures Monster Movie None. If we’re talking about the actual movies, then none are the BEST EVAR; they’re not terrible movies, but their pacing and structure is completely foreign to modern viewers. BotD loves horror movies (he may or may not still have a subscription to Fangoria) and they released a box of the Big Four (Dracula, Wolfman, Frankenstein, Creature from the Black Lagoon) with well-sculpted little statues of the monsters in addition to cleaned-up copies of the original films.
This is how they all went: Handsome guy talks to Older Man. Pretty Lady is there. More talking. Different location, more talking. Monster appears, then leaves. More talking (about the monster). Monster comes back, dies. Credits.
Which is just not how anyone’s told stories for quite a while, mostly because it’s a poor way to do so, and we both ended up confused when the movie ended after 70 minutes. (All the old monster flicks were almost too short to be called feature films.)
Also: Lon Chaney, Jr. thinks Andy Serkis is a pussy.
You have gotten off-track.
Right! Right, sorry.
Wanna get back to it, slugger?
Can’t. Gotta run. We’re done here.
You’re so good at endings.