Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Dialogue With No Subtext At All, I Swear

“Don’t touch the stove.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“No. The stove is very hot, and if you touch it you will get burned.”

“Here’s the thing: you telling me not to touch the stove is making me want to touch it.”

“Well, that’s stupid.”

“Jesus, you’re an elitist. You have no idea about my life or my economic insecurity.”

“This has nothing to do with economics. Don’t touch the stove.”

“I’m gonna.”

“You really shouldn’t.”

“I’m gonna.”


“I told you.”

“No, I meant ‘Wow.’ This is awesome.”

“You’re enjoying this?”

“Are you?”

“No. Not at all.”

“Then that makes me enjoy it.”

“Why are you still holding onto the stove?”

“The first part was rough, sure, but I still have faith in the stove.”

“The stove was glowing red. Everyone told you not to touch the stove.”

“Which is why I did.”

“You’re a moron.”

“That makes me want to hold onto the stove for longer.”

“But the longer you hold onto the stove, the worse it will be.”

“For you.”

“For everyone.”

“Oh, I suppose you wanted me to touch the oven. The oven can’t be trusted at all.”

“This isn’t about the oven. You made your choice between the oven and the stove. You picked the stove. We’re past comparisons with the oven.”

“Probably the most corrupt oven I’ve ever seen.”

“This is not about the oven any more. Take your damn hand off the stove!”

“Stop being so divisive. These are my beliefs.”

“Your beliefs are fucking stupid.”

“Why can’t you reach out to me and try to understand where I’m coming from?”

“Let go of the stove and we can talk.”

“I’m only holding onto it because you told me not to.”

“Please? Pretty fucking please?”

“There. Are you happy?”

“No. I’m not happy at all.”

“Can we go to the hospital?”

“No. The stove canceled your health insurance.”

“Why did the oven make the stove do that?”

“It didn’t.”

“Was it the fridge? When Westinghouse sends their fridges, they’re not sending their best appliances.”

“Not the fridge, either.”

“The Jews?”

“Oh, go put your face on the stove, dipshit.”

1 Comment

  1. I got into a fight (argument) in the park a couple of days ago with a guy in a trump shirt. At the end he was telling me his 18 year old niece was going to kick my ass. I called him a triggered snowflake and told him to go back to his safe space.

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