The very first Christmas song was written by Joseph Christ not an hour after the birth of the Messiah.
“Greetings, Joseph of Nazareth! We are the Three Wise Men: Porthos, Athos, and Aramis.”
“Those aren’t your names.”
“Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego?”
“That’s from an entirely different part of the Bible.”
“Larry, Darryl, and my other Wise Man, Darryl?”
“How do you not know this?”
“Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar.”
“That sounds right. Hey, how did you guys get in here?”
“It’s a manger. There’s no door.”
“We have brought gifts for the Christ! Gold!”
“Yeah? Wow, great. Thank you.”
“How do you spell that?”
“It depends. What language are we speaking?”
“Aramaic, I suppose.”
“Listen, don’t worry about it. You’re gonna love the myrrh.”
“If you say so.”
“You, uh, you didn’t get us anything?”
“Not to be rude, but it’s Christmas. You exchange gifts.”
“Riiiiiight. Of course I got you something. And it’s better than, you know, stuff. Because…I…made it. It…is…a…song.”
“You wrote us a song?”
“I did, yes, I did. That’s what I did, yes.”
“Oh. Well, great. Let’s hear it.”
“I would love to sing it for you. But I need a piano. And since this is a manger–”
LEON RUSSELL AND A PIANO ENTERING A MANGER NOISE
“You can give him the sheet music.”
And then Joseph of Nazareth did improvise a few verses of a song entitled Christmas Is For Step-Dads, Too until Mary, who had delivered a Messiah in a pile of hay not an hour before, yelled at them all to get out of the manger and take Leon Russell with them.
A tiny bit less than two millennia later, Bing Crosby was beating his children viciously when a Wise Man appeared.
“Hullo. I’m David Bowie.”
“How’d you get in here, longhair?”
“It’s a manger. There’s no door.”
“So it is. Let’s sing some Christmas tunes, hippie.”
None of this is how it happened. None of this is true.
It feels true, though, doesn’t it?
No, not really.
Why do you do this? You had a point when you sat down and then you started in with the little dialogues and the stupid jokes and got waylaid from your topic.
In my defense, my topic was a rightfully semi-discarded holiday tune from Billy Squier. It’s not like it would be a huge loss to the literary community if I didn’t get to it.
Get to it.
Christmas Is The Time To Say “I Love You” is the greatest Christmas song of all time. Fuck Silent Night–which, much like 99 Luftballoons, sounds better in the original German–and Little Drummer Boy and Jingle Bells (which is apparently racist now) and Dominick the Christmas Donkey (which has always been racist) and Frosty The Snowman, which introduces children to the occult via hat-based summoning spells. CITTTSILY is also better than White Christmas and Blue Christmas and Red, White, and Blue Christmas.
(I just assume there is a song called Red, White, and Blue Christmas.)
But simply saying “Fuck those other guys” isn’t really an argument, except on Reddit, so allow me to walk you through the facts:
FACT: No Jesus
Enthusiasts, you know TotD loves himself some Jesus, but not when it comes to Christmas songs. First of all, they just remind me that I might be thrown into a concentration camp at any second. (All Jews believe this.) Second, religious Xmas tunes only sound right when sung by masses of young children and fuck them. Christmas is not about children. It is about rocking.
FACT: Guitar solo
Does Rudolph The Bullied Reindeer With Rosacea have a guitar solo? No, and neither does Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses. Winner: Billy Squier.
FACT: Fuck Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses.
God, I hate that song.
FACT: Billy Squier’s hair is awesome.
As I have remarked before, that was my haircut when I was 25. Exactly the same length, color, texture. And I miss my old haircut, so when I see Billy Squier killing the ‘do game like that, it makes me nostalgic and induces fondness. Ipso facto: CITTTSILY is the best Christmas song ever.
FACT: Original VJs in the video.
Paul McCartney’s Simply Havin’ A Wonderful Christmastime is both a dreadful song and is accompanied by a video starring Paul’s wife, Linda. I have never for a second had a crush on Linda McCartney, even when she was alive. CITTTSILSY’s video features both Nina Blackwood and Martha Quinn, both of whom were very special women in my sticky little teenage heart. Winner: Billy Squier.
How much longer we doing this, chief?
I was wrapping up.
For the best.
What say you, Enthusiasts? Best Christmas song?
(DIFFICULTY LEVEL: Do not be waltzing up in here with The Pogues or Darlene Love. Everyone knows about that shit. We’re talking about the bench players on the Christmas song roster.)