To Whom It May Concern,

The first thing I want to do is apologize to the people I have [mistreated/hurt/rubbed my dick on]. I take full responsibility and am deeply sorry for any [pain/humiliation/dick stains] I have caused to my [employees/customers/friends and family/random big-titty women/that one fat chick at Sears]. I know saying “I’m sorry” won’t make it right, but it’s literally the least I can do, and I will do it.

I [respect/tolerate/pretend to respect and tolerate] women. I don’t respect men who don’t. And the fact that my [actions/comments/uncontrollable nipple-tweaking] causes people to doubt that makes me feel [ashamed/concerned about my bank account/weirdly aroused].

I have work to do to try to regain the trust of those I have [hurt/disappointed/stuck my finger in without so much as a by-your-leave]. For this reason, I am going to step away from my [office/teevee show/restaurant] until I have [done the necessary work with licensed therapists/been cleared by the police department/you all forget about the bullshit I’ve been pulling for three decades]. I need to try and understand my behavior so I can [not do this again/not do this quite so much anymore/better choose victims who won’t open up their big dumb bitch mouths].

While I do not recall the incidents described in exactly the same way as the [women/teen boys/slutty office furniture] does, I must take their word for it, as I have been struggling with [drug addiction/homosexuality/the complete inability to keep my fucking hands to myself].

I am grateful for all your support, and look forward to seeing you on the book tour for my upcoming memoir.

Famous Name Here