Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Gifted Man

“NIX, BEFORE WE UNDERTAKE THIS PERILOUS JOURNEY TO RESCUE THE FUTURE FROM ITSELF, AH WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH SOME FINE GIFTS.”

“Oh. Yes, of course. Thank you, Elvis. Are all of the gifts pills?”

“NO, SIR. NOT ALL.”

“Elvis, I keep telling you: Nixon doesn’t do quaaludes.”

“AW, C’MON, NIX: LIVE A LITTLE. LUDE UP WITH TH’ KING.”

“No, thank you.”

“LESS GET LUDED, MAN.”

“Elvis: no.”

“AH’LL BE LUDE FERRIGNO, AN’ YOU BE LUDE GOSSETT, JR.”

“Dammit, King, this is 1970. You wouldn’t know who either of those people are yet.”

“THE CONTINUITY OF THIS HERE UNIVERSE GOT A FLOATING TIMELINE, MR. PRESIDENT.”

“Y’know, just when I start to understand this bullshit, the rules change.”

“AH HAVE GIFTS OTHER’N PILLS, NIX. PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF MAHSELF.”

“Thank you, Elvis.”

“THIS A L’IL BITTY BOTTLE O’ SHAMPOO AH STOLE FROM MAH HOTEL. AH GIVE IT TO YOU.”

“Well, the White House stewards generally provide toiletries, but thank you for the gift. What hotel are you staying at?”

“BIG OL’ PLACE CALLED THE WATERGATE.”

“I’ve never been.”

“YOU SHOULD STOP IN, MAN. THEY DO A HELLUVA STEAK SAN’WICH.”

“Can’t be too thick. Sometimes you get a steak sandwich and there’s half-a-foot of meat in there. I don’t need that much steak. I’m not a puma.”

“AH AM A PUMA.”

“Yes, fine, you’re a puma.”

“AH ALSO PRESENT TO YOU AND YOUR WUNNERFUL FAMILY A PHOTOGRAPH OF ME AN’ MY WUNNERFUL FAMILY.”

“A lovely family you have, Elvis.”

“THASS ME IN TH’ MIDDLE. AH AM THE ONE IN TH’ CAPE.”

“Yes, I recognized you.”

“LOOK HOW GOOD AH LOOK.”

“You take care in your appearance.”

“THASS MAH LOVELY WIFE, PRISCILLA AN’ THASS MAH BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL, LISA-MARIE.”

“You’re a lucky man, Elvis.”

“AN’ THASS MAH KNOCK-KNEED, EIGHT-TOOTHED, DRAFT-DODGIN’, GREASE-COLLECTIN’, BANJO-DICKED HOBBIT OF A DADDY–”

“Vernon.”

“–VERNON. AN’ RIGHT NEXT T’ HIM IS CHARLIE HODGE.”

“The man who brings you your scarves and water.”

“AH SWEAR YOU GOTTA MIND LIKE A BEAR TRAP, MR. PRESIDENT.”

“This is what the people don’t understand. How much detail-work this job entails, Memos, meetings, phone calls, relationships. The presidency is a juggling act, Elvis.”

“C’N YOU DO BOWLING PINS?”

“I was speaking metaphorically.”

“AS WAS AH, SIR. AH HAVE STILL MORE GIFTS FOR YOU.”

“Elvis, are you just giving me random shit from your pockets?”

“NOT ALL OF IT. THIS BOOK AH HAVE CHOSEN SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU. IT IS ON THE SECRETS OF LEMURIA.”

“Do they have oil?”

“NO, SIR.”

“Not interested. Listen, Elvis, time is growing tight. We need to get on the stick and get to the future.”

“UH-HUH. YOU KNOW WE GOT A TIME MACHINE, RIGHT? WE CAN LEAVE WHENEVER WE WANT AN’ WE WON’T BE LATE.”

“Ah, yes. Then we have time to discuss my latest gambit.”

“WE CAN GO T’ VEGAS IF YOU WANT, NIX.”

“Gambit, Elvis. There’s bad news from the waterfront.”

“AW, NO. DON’ TELL ME THEM MERCENARIES DIED!”

“Worse.”

“YOU PAID ‘EM UPFRONT, DIDN’T YOU?”

“Just half.”

“AW, MAN.”

“Nothing to worry about, Elvis.”

“NOTHIN’ TO WORRY ABOUT? MAN, WE LOST THE DAMN CHINESE, AN’ NOW WE AIN’T GOT ANY NAVY! ISS GONNA BE JUSS YOU AN’ ME.”

“No, no. I have another friend who will help us rally some truly helpful support.”

“ALL RIGHT, NIX! YOU A GREAT AMERICAN, MAN.”

“Sammy, can you talk to the blacks for me?”

“Yes, I can.”

3 Comments

  1. Is anyone else having trouble convincing spouses or loved ones how funny this is?

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