Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Good Night Call From The Mooch

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Wha? Huh? Fuck. Fuck, it can’t be him. Yeah?”

SHA NA NA INTRO MUSIC NOISE

“Maggie Haberman? You’re on with The Mooch.”

“Why?”

“Acosta blocked my number.”

“Why?”

“I asked him why Puerto Ricans like stealing hubcaps so much.”

“Answer me honestly: did you escape from a summer stock production of Guys and Dolls?”

“Baberman–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–you are speaking to a made man. Mooch popped his cherry!”

“What?”

“Busted my first nut? Killed my first bum? Whatever metaphor you wanna use. Everything’s coming up Mooch.”

“Um, Mooch?”

“Yo?”

“You have had the worst week of anyone since Japan in August of ’45. Your wife left you, you humiliated yourself in front of the entire country, and then you got fired. One week! Why are you happy?”

“See, this is why you didn’t go to Harvard Law School. You don’t see the big picture, which is what the law is all about.”

“Nope. The opposite. Law is about the details.”

“Maggie, I didn’t get divorced; I got free. And I didn’t get fired; I got fuckin’ famous. This is America, honey, and if I can stay out of jail for the next few years, I’m gonna be a rich fuckin’ man.”

“I don’t get it.”

“I was too much of an asshole for Donald Trump. I am now the King of the Dickheads. Every prick, jackoff, double-parker, and high school football coach in the country is gonna line up to suck my waxed balls.”

“Waxed?”

“You can see your face in ’em. I’d like to see your face in ’em.”

“Was this your plan all along?”

“I haven’t had a plan in years.”

“Sounds accurate.”

“The Mooch hopped on the Trump Train at the station, and now he’s gettin’ off at the bank. WOO-WOO. That was the whistle.”

“I got it. So tell me how the end happened.”

“You remember how I told you I was gonna fuck Kelly?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s bigger than he looks in pictures.”

“He is.”

“Picked me up and hurled me out of the Oval Office. I was over his head. It was like when Rocky fought Thunderlips in the third one. Hey, Baberman.”

“Don’t call me that.”

Rocky III or Rocky IV?”

“I don’t know.”

“Both have their pros and cons. Always nice to see a Commie get his ass kicked, but the Rocky movies are about Rocky beating up moolies.”

“Jesus, Mooch.”

“That’s the promise of the movie! Ginzo’s gonna beat up a moolie!”

“Stop saying that!”

“Am I revvin’ your engine?”

“What? No.”

“Little bit.”

“No.”

“Little bit.”

“Stop doing your DeNiro impression. Why am I even still talking to you? You don’t work in the White House anymore.”

“Because we’re friends.”

“Yeah, okay, I gotta go.”

“Wait, wait. Before you go, just lemme say one thing.”

“Quick.”

“Peace, peace! he is not dead, he doth not sleep
He hath awakened from the dream of life
‘Tis we, who lost in stormy visions, keep
With phantoms an unprofitable strife,
And in mad trance, strike with our spirit’s knife
Invulnerable nothings. — We decay
Like corpses in a charnel; fear and grief
Convulse us and consume us day by day,
And cold hopes swarm like worms within our living clay.”

“What is happening here?”

“The One remains, the many change and pass;
Heaven’s light forever shines, Earth’s shadows fly;
Life, like a dome of many-coloured glass,
Stains the white radiance of Eternity,
Until Death tramples it to fragments. — Die,
If thou wouldst be with that which thou dost seek!
Follow where all is fled!”

“Was that Shelley?”

“Tell me your panties aren’t a swimming pool right now.”

“Good bye, Mooch.”

“How about ‘so long?'”

“Yeah, yeah, I guess. Never know what’s gonna happen. So long.”

“How about anal?”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

3 Comments

  1. That’s the poem that Jagger read at the Brian Jones memorial gig, right?

    “In a swimming pool?!?!?!”

    I saw what you did there.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    August 1, 2017 at 3:09 pm

    Stu played no minor chords on keys & didn’t have truck with moths…..”where’s the bleedin’ Lepidoptera?”.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*