Vegetarian

Vegetarians don’t eat meat, but have weird definitions of “meat.” Fish doesn’t count, and neither do eggs, and those things are both meat. Sure, an egg is technically pre-meat, but stop quibbling. Cows and pigs, really. Being a vegetarian is pretty much just not eating cows and pigs. You can wear the fuck out of them, but not eat them.

Veganism

There’s no such thing as a vegan. Secret stops at McDonald’s, every one of them. Urban myth.

Fruitatarian

80% of a fruititarian’s diet is made up of fruit, and I simply refuse to imagine what is going on with their doodies. The bathroom of a fruititarian must look like a dystopia from a Young Adult novel.

Raw Foodists

Cooking food robs it of its nutrients, or so the raw foodists believe. Scientists think that our discovery of the joy of cooking massively cut down on the time we needed to digest our food, relative to other animals such as the great apes, and spurred our species towards the awesome greatness it is today. I’m sure Woody Harrelson’s right.

Seeders

A brief diet fad in the 80’s, seeders attempted to live on nothing but nuts and seeds; their teeth lasted two months, at tops. Excellent diet for a toucan, but not a people.

The Paleo Diet

The Atkins Diet sprayed with Axe, and just so dumb. Not the foods prescribed–it’s just cutting out bread and pasta, mostly–but the bullshit behind it. Paleo is short for paleolithic, meaning the couple hundred thousand years before humans started writing stuff down. Just naked dipshits in the woods, picking berries and keeping an eye out for sabre-toothed clowns. Utter morons we should not be emulating: let us move forward.

Food Replacementers

On the other hand, you have these creepy weirdos drinking Soylent and trying to evolve beyond sandwiches. Stop doing this. These people should be thrown off dams.

Smegmatarians

Ewww.

The Pritikin Diet

This involves grapefruits and the New York Post. You should also try to get the gym, I suppose.

The Blood-Type Diet

Participants in this fad sent in their blood types to Dr. Andrew Cula, and he sent them back personalized nutritional guides, and then went to their house and drank their blood. Dr. Cula was eventually arrested, but he turned into a bat and flew away.

Master Cleanser

To clear out the toxins in their system, adherents of the Master Cleanse© flush their bodies for days or weeks on end with a drink made up of de-ionized water, lime juice, simple syrup, and rum. I forgot to say that the de-ionized water should be in ice form, and then you blend it all up.

Foragers

Just a matter of time before they kill themselves mis-identifying their lunch.