INT – MILLENNIUM FALCON
YOUNG HAN SOLO (played by ALL THE KIDS FROM STRANGER THINGS EXCEPT THE BLACK ONE) paces around the hold. YOUNG LANDO (played by THE BLACK KID FROM STRANGER THINGS) and YOUNG CHEWBACCA (played by a #TIME’SUP PIN) are also there. Everyone is doing SPACE BULLSHIT.
Hey, Lando. Guess who sent me a hologram?
Young Luke Skywalker?
Oh, right. We haven’t met any of them yet. Who?
That is a very Star Wars name.
Right? We’re going to a 50’s diner, which exist for some reason.
You’re gonna wear that?
Young Han Solo is wearing SPACE OVERALLS.
What’s wrong with this?
Lando and Chewie look at each other and shake their heads. Chewie makes ONE OF THE NOISES THAT MAKES NERDS CUM. They both GET UP and walk into the COCKPIT, where Chewie HITS HIS HEAD on a PAIR OF DICE HANGING FROM THE REARVIEW and all the NERDS CUM AGAIN.
INT – THE SPACE MALL
Wacky ALIENS and THAT SORT OF BULLSHIT walk around the FOOD COURT where SPACE TEENS are SPACE FLIRTING.
Guys, I don’t know about this.
Han, old pal, we’re gonna make you look groovy.
They enter a store: HOLO-CHESS KING.
SOUND CUE: WALKING ON SUNSHINE BY KATRINA AND THE WAVES
Lando and Chewie sit outside a DRESSING ROOM. A retail CLERK played by
Kevin Spacey Christopher Plummer is with them.
Han emerges in a COMICAL OUTFIT. Lando, Chewie, and the clerk SHAKE THEIR HEADS. He REENTERS the dressing room.
Han comes back out in a WHITE BLOUSE AND BEIGE LEGGINGS. The nerds CUM. The clerk DOES, TOO. Lando and Chewie are UNIMPRESSED. BACK IN the dressing room.
Han re-emerges wearing a COAT MADE OUT OF WOOKIEE FUR. Chewie does that thing where he SHAKES HIS SPACE MONKEY ARMS OVER HIS HEAD. Lando attempts to hold Chewie down, but is THROWN OUT THE WINDOW TO HIS DEATH.
The clerk pulls a weapon.
No blasters! No blasters!
Chewie EATS the clerk.
Han takes off the coat.
Okay, okay. No need to get nuts. It’s fake!
Chewie examines the coat. They have a BIG LAUGH.
What about this?
Han pulls a BLACK VEST and WHITE SHIRT off of a hanger. Chewie approves.
INT – DEATH STAR
A CREEPY CGI MOFF TARKIN and a DARTH VADER THAT DOESN’T LOOK RIGHT stand at a monitor looking at the SPACE MALL.
You may fire when ready.
I’ll teach you to ban me from Sears!
You were hitting on teenagers, Darth.
The Force wants what the Force wants.