Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Han Solo Story

INT – MILLENNIUM FALCON

YOUNG HAN SOLO (played by ALL THE KIDS FROM STRANGER THINGS EXCEPT THE BLACK ONE) paces around the hold. YOUNG LANDO (played by THE BLACK KID FROM STRANGER THINGS) and YOUNG CHEWBACCA (played by a #TIME’SUP PIN) are also there. Everyone is doing SPACE BULLSHIT.

HAN
Hey, Lando. Guess who sent me a hologram?

LANDO
Young Luke Skywalker?

HAN
Who?

LANDO
Oh, right. We haven’t met any of them yet. Who?

HAN
Bryx Darb

LANDO
That is a very Star Wars name.

HAN
Right? We’re going to a 50’s diner, which exist for some reason.

LANDO
You’re gonna wear that?

Young Han Solo is wearing SPACE OVERALLS.

HAN
What’s wrong with this?

Lando and Chewie look at each other and shake their heads. Chewie makes ONE OF THE NOISES THAT MAKES NERDS CUM. They both GET UP and walk into the COCKPIT, where Chewie HITS HIS HEAD on a PAIR OF DICE HANGING FROM THE REARVIEW and all the NERDS CUM AGAIN.

INT – THE SPACE MALL

Wacky ALIENS and THAT SORT OF BULLSHIT walk around the FOOD COURT where SPACE TEENS are SPACE FLIRTING.

HAN
Guys, I don’t know about this.

LANDO
Han, old pal, we’re gonna make you look groovy.

CHEWIE
<Wookiee sound.>

They enter a store: HOLO-CHESS KING.

SOUND CUE: WALKING ON SUNSHINE BY KATRINA AND THE WAVES

Lando and Chewie sit outside a DRESSING ROOM. A retail CLERK played by Kevin Spacey Christopher Plummer is with them.

Han emerges in a COMICAL OUTFIT. Lando, Chewie, and the clerk SHAKE THEIR HEADS. He REENTERS the dressing room.

Han comes back out in a WHITE BLOUSE AND BEIGE LEGGINGS. The nerds CUM. The clerk DOES, TOO. Lando and Chewie are UNIMPRESSED. BACK IN the dressing room.

Han re-emerges wearing a COAT MADE OUT OF WOOKIEE FUR. Chewie does that thing where he SHAKES HIS SPACE MONKEY ARMS OVER HIS HEAD. Lando attempts to hold Chewie down, but is THROWN OUT THE WINDOW TO HIS DEATH.

The clerk pulls a weapon.

HAN
No blasters! No blasters!

Chewie EATS the clerk.

Han takes off the coat.

HAN
Okay, okay. No need to get nuts. It’s fake!

Chewie examines the coat. They have a BIG LAUGH.

HAN
What about this?

Han pulls a BLACK VEST and WHITE SHIRT off of a hanger. Chewie approves.

INT – DEATH STAR

A CREEPY CGI MOFF TARKIN and a DARTH VADER THAT DOESN’T LOOK RIGHT stand at a monitor looking at the SPACE MALL.

TARKIN
You may fire when ready.

VADER
I’ll teach you to ban me from Sears!

TARKIN
You were hitting on teenagers, Darth.

VADER
The Force wants what the Force wants.

SHZWAM!

2 Comments

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    January 17, 2018 at 10:57 am

    wheezing chortles

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