Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Helpful Guide To The Paris Agreement

  • The Paris Agreement has been signed by 195 countries and says that the world will limit temperature rise through a process of decarbonizing the economies of the world; the ceiling will be a two-degree (Celsius, because the Agreement was written mostly by foreigners) increase in temperature.
  • The industrialized nations of the world will help the poor countries, such as the Maldives, which we may or may not have sunk.
  • All smog and carbon factories will be closed immediately.
  • I don’t even know why they were built in the first place, to be honest.
  • Internal combustion engine vehicles will be banned by 2030, and sports cars will be a thing of the past, unless you have an uncle with a country place that no one knows about; he says it used to be a farm before the Motor Laws.
  • If you don’t recycle, someone drags you onto your front lawn and slaps you silly in front of the neighbors.
  • To aid the oceans, there will be foreign aid to help countries go from “dumping the doody directly into the ocean” to the more ecological “anything other than that.”
  • The phrase “carbon-neutral” does not appear in the final language of the Agreement, but only because Switzerland threw a fit and was all, “We’re neutral. Being neutral is our thing.”
  • Dishwashers will now come with sensors that know if you’re running them half-full, and they will alert the proper authorities and you will be noted as being uncooperative.
  • Restaurants no longer allowed to use styrofoam as fuel for barbecue fires.
  • Anyone caught carving their initials into a tree will be shot on sight.
  • Upgrades in national transit will be subsidized for high-speed, high-volume trains which work wonderfully in every country that isn’t as stupidly large as America.
  • From now on, if you want to burn old tires, you have to do it indoors.
  • Alternate means to extract oil from shale will be explored, or at least a new name will be found other than “fracking” such as “Hugging Mother Earth ’til She Squirts.”
  • A committee has been funded to study so-called “Hail Mary” ideas for dealing with the rising temperature, such as: giant space umbrella; trying to suck up the carbon in the atmosphere via some sort of chemical process that would almost certainly kill us all; millions of hamsters in millions of wheels hooked to millions of turbines; breeding massive super-potatoes and making batteries out of them; getting Earth a cool and refreshing beverage; what if we Matrix-ed some people?
  • Companies in developing nations will be encouraged to build energy-efficient factories through government subsidies, which can be applied to the bribes one must surely have to pay to open up a factory in a developing nation.
  • Santa will no longer be allowed to leave coal in naughty children’s stockings.

2 Comments

  1. Rough quote from John Kerry this morning ” there is no penalty clause in the agreement because if there was a penalty for non compliance there would be no agreement”

    Yeah, this is going nowhere.

  2. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    December 14, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    my best friend Walter, circa 1971, Ms Byer’s class. debuted a drawing “a car that runs on pee & poo”. way ahead of his time.

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