Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A List Of Paradoxes

The Barber Paradox If three barbers are in a shop, and one of them only shaves men who are not barbers, then who sweeps up?

Cantor’s Paradox The set of all sets would logically contain the set of all sets of all sets, and the set of all sets of all sets of all sets, and so forth. If you ignore it, then you get Garcia’s Briefcase of Infinite Felonies.

Canter’s Puzzle The corned beef or the pastrami?

Uncertainty Principle You can know where something is, or you can know how fast something’s going; the more precisely you measure one, the less you can know about the other. No joke for this one: it’s a radical insight and rather simple when you think about it, but no one did the math until Heisenberg, so good for him.

The Monty Hall Problem First of all, it is racist that this is not called the Wayne Brady Problem now. Second, there are three doors and you’ve chosen a goat, but you want a car. Should you open the third door, or re-choose the first or second doors? Behind one of the doors is a lady; there’s a tiger in the other one. Third door is a 2016 Chevy Cruze with California emissions. Does the goat exist?

Irresistable Force Paradox Postulate an unpunchable dick. Now have Billy enter the room. What happens?

Schrodinger’s Dick Paradox In a locked box is placed Billy and someone who has a dick. Until the act is viewed, the dick can be said to be both punched and unpunched, but let’s be honest: Billy punched the dick. This is actually a great example of why quantum mechanics doesn’t make sense translated into classical physics.

Omnipotence Paradox If Billy could create dicks–like he just woke up one morning and he had reality-warping superpowers and that’s how he chose to use those powers, by zapping dicks into existence–could he create a dick so unpunchable that he himself could not punch it?

Zeno’s Paradox No jam is ever finished, because to get to the end of a jam, you have to get halfway through Garcia’s solo, and to get halfway through, you must get halfway through that, and on and on. Disproved by the first chapter of any calculus textbook: it’s just summing infinites. Zeno was a putz.

Black Hole Information Paradox Information cannot be destroyed, so why are magazines so flammable?

Catch-22 Why, that’s the best catch of all.

Catch-31 Not as great.

Buridan’s Ass If a donkey were exactly halfway in between two sources of water, then he would die of thirst, but he wouldn’t because the donkey would go to the water source upwind of him, so this one is just as dopey as Zeno’s nonsense.

Liar Paradox Garcia says “This hotel room is not on fire,” but it totally is on fire.


  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    September 13, 2016 at 10:23 am

    Canter’s Quorum: in Montreal, smoked meat.

  2. Is that Cantor’s paradox, Betty Cantor’s paradox ?

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