What will we do, O Lord? When the bullets reign and the hatred flows and the night seems as though it will never end. Answer me, Lord. For once in Your lazy life, answer Your creation.
“Yes, my son?”
“Don’t take my father’s name in vain. Or mine. We’re both God, plus also another guy, too. I never quite understood it.”
Why are you here, Walrus Jesus?
“You called to me.”
I did not. Also, no one liked you the first time you appeared.
“I attracted many followers.”
The Comment Section nearly revolted.
“I forgive them. Do you have any fish?”
No. Listen, this is a very serious day and a very serious time; the Enthusiasts expect a grand pronouncement.
“And the fact that you called it that indicates that you are not the one to write it.”
I need to hold a mirror up to society.
“Please, no. Oh, no. None of that. Honestly, any fish at all would be great.
No fish. What can I do, then?
“What you’re good at.”
Assuming that I have cancer every time I sneeze?
“The other thing.”
“I said ‘what you’re good at.’ Not ‘what you inflict on people.'”
“I forgive you.”
That’s not how that works.
“Cut me some slack: I’m a walrus.”
Yeah, speaking of that: are you the Jesus of walruses, or are you Jesus who got turned into a walrus?
“Blessed are you.”
You are not well thought-out.
“I forgive you.”
Yeah, okay. That would be my fault, actually.
“I am the alpha and the omega, and also a walrus. The sky is my hat and the ocean my bathtub, and also where I live, kinda. Praise me.”
Do I have to?
“Do you know the parable of the Good Samaritan?”
“That’s great. Now about that fish. I just need one and I can make it go far.”
Because you’re Walrus Jesus.
“Yes, my son. Now go forth and be silly and inconsequential. Too many things have meaning today. Sow the fields with nonsense, and I will turn the ground with my fangs.”
“Agree to disagree.”