While TotD enoys pointing out foolishness, successes must be duly noted; the backyard at TXR looks great, and people who have been there have enjoyed it. There have been no kaiju attacks, and the busboys have stopped jousting using fallen palm fronds. (Those things are way heavier than they look, and sharp. Do not joust with palm fronds.)
Sunday is Phil’s big Backyard Bash, and if you go to his site, you read about it: there’s a note about what to expect and what not to bring, and that note was written by Phil himself. The version that appears on the site wasn’t his first draft, though; only TotD can bring you that:
Dear Backyard Bashers, Terrapin Nation, Deadheads, and assorted other Bernie Sanders supporters,
Hi, it’s Phil Lesh of the Grateful Dead. How are you? I’m fine.
The first of what will hopefully be many Backyard Bashes is here, and we wanted to give you a heads up of what to expect on Sunday. Also, having had several events in our new backyard recently, we wanted to discuss some behavior. I’m just going to get this off my chest: whoever’s been pooping on the bocce court is going to jail. It’s not funny. Those bocce courts are for everyone. There are now security cameras at the bocce courts, and they are heat-sensitive: this stops here.
The TXR family would also like our friends to remember the potency of day drinking. It is a scientific fact that a drink taken at two in the afternoon is worth 1.5 nighttime drinks. Please pace yourself. I understand that it’s a pipe dream to have no Deadheads fall into the canal, but there should be far fewer than two weeks ago. It was a poor showing on everyone’s part.
Now, on to this Sunday’s Backyard Bash: you shouldn’t bring your car. There will not be enough room in our parking lot, so you should take an Uber or a Lyft. (There are also taxis and mass transit, but let’s be honest: you’re going to take an Uber or a Lyft.) You may also take your unicycle, bicycle, or tricycle, but we do ask that you not come riding up on one of those quadcycle ATV things, as it’s just not the vibe we’re going for.
The following items will NOT be allowed in the Backyard Bash:
- A man-sized pile of fresh beaver pelts.
- Professional cameras.
- Semi-professional cameras.
- Cameras that never quite made it and now teach.
- Let’s just make it a rule that there are to be no marsupials of any kind at the Backyard Bash.
- Children under sixteen who are not named Baby Levon. And even if your baby happens to also be named Baby Levon, you cannot bring that baby; we all know I refer to a specific Baby Levon.
- Weapons of any kind. Perhaps you’re saying, “Phil, what if I am Jackie Chan and can turn anything within reach into a weapon? Or what if I am Bruce Lee and am myself a living weapon?” I would tell you to stop being a jackass; no weapons.
- Battering rams are considered weapons.
- Pocketful of sand may or may not be considered a weapon: if you intend to throw it in someone’s face, then it is a weapon and you cannot bring it; if keeping a tiny beach in your pants helps you in social situations, then by all means bring your pocket sand.
The whole Terrapin Crossroads family looks forward to seeing you at the Backyard Bash, and I’m not kidding in the slightest about the pooping. I will find out who you are.