A Partial Transcript Of CNN’s State Of The Union, 7/23/17

“Was that another reverse mortgage commercial? How many of them do we–”

…

“We are?”

…

“Good morning, it’s Sunday and this is State of the Union. I’m Jake Tapper, and my first guest is the new White House Communications Director, financier Anthony Scaramucci.”

SHA NA NA INTRO MUSIC PLAYS

“Yo, Tippy-Tap! How’s it hanging?”

“I’m not discussing that, Mr. Scaramucci.”

“Call me Mooch.”

“No. Mr. Scaramucci, the president tweeted out something about having complete pardon power. Is he considering pardoning anyone? And if so, whom?”

“President Trump considers a lot of things. His mind is what you call ferocious. Back when I was at Harvard Law School, we would have called him a polymath. People who didn’t go to Harvard Law School would probably call him a Renaissance man.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I went to Harvard Law School.”

“You’ve mentioned. But you didn’t answer my question. Why is the president discussing pardons six months into his term?”

“The president is not discussing pardons.”

“He tweeted about it.”

“Tweeting is not discussing, Tippy-Tap. You’d know that if you had gone to Harvard Law School.”

“Mr. Scaramucci–”

“Mooch!”

“–the fact is that the president has been reported by numerous sources as asking about his pardon power. Why is that?”

“It’s because he cares.”

“Cares about what?”

“America.”

“Would you like to explain that?”

“No.”

“Does someone need pardoning, sir?”

“If we’re talking honestly here, I probably do. Never spent much time in Washington before. Oofah, it’s all interns here. I been giving out herpes left and right.”

“Mr. Scaramucci, please stay on topic.”

“You see Huckleberry yesterday? She looks better, right? I brought down a homo from New York to fix her up. And, hey: she’s a real fixer-upper.”

“Sir.”

“Good bones. Well, big bones.”

“Sir.”

“Got a little bit of mascara on the sloppy eyeball. Million times better.”

“Sir.”

“I mean, don’t get me wrong: I wouldn’t fuck her with your pussy.”

“I don’t have a…Mr. Scaramucci, what does the president think about the Congress moving to restrict his ability to remove the sanctions on Russia?”

“There’s no sanctions.”

“Yes, there are.”

“There’s no Russia, so how could there be sanctions? BOOM, Tippy-Tap. You just got Mooched!”

“We need to go to commercial.”

“Another one of those reverse mortgage ads?”

“Yes.”

“Mooch out!”