“Mister President, thank you for your time.”

“I’m very busy, Lester. Probably the busiest president that’s ever served, and there have been many, many presidents. Let’s go see the Lincoln Bedroom.”

“Maybe after the interview, sir.”

“He didn’t sleep there. Lincoln. People think of him as tall, but I’m the tallest president. Never slept there. His son was dead in there, but Lincoln didn’t sleep there. Not a bedroom. Fake news everywhere.”

“Sir, you recently fired the Director of the FBI, James Comey.”

“He’s a fancy-pants, Lester. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it, everybody sees what’s happening. Couldn’t do the job! Not even a tough job, really. FBI’s not complicated. Badge, gun, bing bang boom. But he couldn’t do it. This Comey couldn’t even throw Hillary Clinton in jail. And always with the Russia, which is not a thing except to some very, very crazy people. Like, deranged. Russia in the morning, Russia at night, and it was just enough. It was enough, so I pulled the trigger, which is very easy with my large hands.”

“But, Mr. President, you’ve released statements saying that Director Comey’s too-rough handling of the Clinton case was one of the reasons for his dismissal?”

“Yeah, no. Russia. These Democrats stack the deck. Do you know this phrase? ‘Stack the deck?'”

“I do, yes.”

“That’s what I call what the Democrats did. I made that up. The Electoral College, which I won by almost three million votes, is very crooked towards the Democrats. Still couldn’t win! I started with such a disadvantage. They rig their primaries for Hillary Clinton, who is even more Muslim than Obama, and they cheat and lie. They don’t pay contractors. They hide behind their lawyers. They’re orange, and they want to fuck their daughters.”

“Language, sir.”

“Everyone with Russia. Should have been over years ago. Why was the investigation into Russia, which does not exist, not completed years ago? If I did business with Russia, then isn’t it everyone else’s fault for letting me? I think so, because I’m smart.”

“So, when did you make the decision to fire Comey?”

“During Fox & Friends, I think. Maybe Morning Joe, but they are very, very unfair to me and the new Director of the FBI will be throwing them both in jail. It was enough with this Russia thing. If Russia is bad, then I want to know, but Russia isn’t bad and James Comey is a hot dog, so I made a very, very strong decision. Did you see my signature? Maxine Waters called me and said I had the greatest signature of any president. And she’s very old, so she should know. He had to go! Bad guy.”

“Then previous claims that you acted on the recommendation of the Attorney General and his deputy are not true?”

“Fake news, Lester.”

“You’re the one who said it, sir.”

“When James Comey came to the White House for dinner, I fed him the most gorgeous pot pie you’ve ever seen. The steam coming up? The best you’ve ever seen. He thanked me so many times. ‘Oh, Mr. Trump, you’re so kind. Oh, Mr. Trump, will you give my wife the recipe?’ Wouldn’t stop! And he said I wasn’t under investigation, and that I hadn’t done anything wrong.”

“He said that?”

“Many times. And then we had ice cream. I had Magic Shell on mine, but his didn’t have any. Like that? Power move. I even win dessert.”


“Terrible table manners. I think he farted a couple times, too.”

“So he told you at this dinner that you weren’t under investigation for Russian ties, but then you fired him because he was concentrating too much on investigating your Russian ties?”


“Mr. President, that doesn’t make sense.”

“What can I tell you, Lester? The only thing I know is that I haven’t done anything wrong and no one in the world thinks so.”

“Thank you, Mr. President.”

“Lester, you’re my favorite black.”