“Great, yes, the press. Wonderful. I have done more press conferences than any other president in history. Acosta, did you have lunch?”

“Yes, sir.”

“What did you have?”

“Fish sandwich.”

“Have you ever had a fish sandwich like that? That’s all Ivanka, by the way. She’s always saying to me, ‘Don’t forget the fish sandwiches, Dad.’ Sharp girl. Much better looking the Obama girls. And, you know. You know. What about the bun?”


“The bun.”

“Toasted, right?’

“Um, yes.”

“No one was doing that before me. Every other golf cub you’d go to, they’d give you disgusting bread like you’re a dog. Not at any Trump property. We toast.”

“Sir, can we talk about North Korea?”


“Sir, there are more important things to discuss.”

“I am now announcing that North Korea is cruising for a bruising. We’re gonna do an Executive Order on that in two weeks. When I get back to wherever. Where I have to live. Acosta, did you see what the Fake News Golf magazine said about me? That I called the White House a dump? Very typical of the biased media, which is very left-wing.”

Golf magazine is left-wing, sir?”

“We have supernukes. I can announce this now. Thanks to my leadership, the United States now has many supernukes.”

“Supernukes, sir?’

“Just the most beautiful nukes you’ve ever seen, believe me. Haberman?”

“Mr. President–”

“Mooch still calling you?”

“–I wanted to ask…yes, sir.”

“You should talk to him. Great, great, very successful guy. Didn’t work out, but I might bring him back. He did very well, everyone was talking about him, and then the very disgusting Ryan Lizza wiretaps his apartment and spreads fake news about him.”

“No, sir. Mr. Scaramucci called him on the phone. And Ryan informed him he was being taped.”

“Right, wiretapped. And who leaked that conversation?”

“Mooch called him, sir. He called a reporter.”

“Opiates are a national emergency. I’m declaring it. Barack Obama got everyone in New Hampshire, which is more disgusting than West Virginia, hooked on heroin. This is MS-13! You’ve heard of MS-13? Very, very, very bad. They cut off heads, drugs, just not great. And you know: Mexico is right there. They’re right there and they’re throwing opiates into our country.”

“Is there a policy announcement to go along with your declaration, sir?”

“Yeah, yeah, in two weeks. These people, and this is sad, they get hurt. Doctor gives them these pills. These are rough pills, real heavy hitters. People get hooked and then illegal aliens sell them drugs and rape them. The MS-13 I told you about it. You should look those guys up. No good at all.”

“Yes, sir. Can you say anything about the failure of the repeal-and-replace bill in the Senate?”

“Mitch McConnell should watch out. I might have to come up with a nickname for him.”


“Mr. President, can I have a word?”

“General Kelly, the best. Everyone know the General? This guy is really one of my best hires. I could not have picked a better man to do whatever his job is. So proud of him, and he takes such good care of me. Tall, great.”

“Mr. President, you have a meeting.”

“It can wait. The filthy liars in the media lie about me, so I’m getting my own message out there.”

“By talking to the media?”

“General, could you get me one of those of those oatmeal raisin cookies we have? Has everyone tried these? This is Melania’s recipe, and we have it at every property. Just the most delicious cookie you’ve ever had. General, bring back cookies for everyone.”


“Great general. Only a three-star. I probably would have been a four-star. Rucker?”

“Can we pivot back to North Korea, sir?”

“North Korea is complicated, but it’s also very simple. China has to step up and help, but what they’ve done so far, you know, that’s good, too. But, you know, if China comes with us and helps, then maybe we make some deals. Russia is doing a great job. But what it comes down to is this little fat kid has to understand  that he should be very, very scared of my supernukes.”

“You keep mentioning these supernukes, sir.”

“Beautiful weapons. Beautiful.”

“Is there some sort of ‘red line’ that you’re setting as far as Kim Jong-Un’s behavior?”

“Yes. It’s a secret.”

“That’s not the way to do red lines, sir.”

“You don’t get a cookie. Roberts?”

“Mr. President, your former campaign manager Paul Manafort’s home was recently raided by the FBI. What are your comments on that?”

“You know, the man’s there and it’s very early. Very early. Maybe his family’s there. If his family’s there, then that’s a real tough thing to do. Real tough thing to do. I don’t know why that’s going on. For the sake of the FBI director’s job, I hope that stops. This Russia thing…there’s no Russia thing. Where is it? There’s nothing. No one is being investigated, and no one’s house is being raided and there’s no Russia. But I hope the FBI gets a little smarter. A little smarter.”


“Mister President, the building is on fire! Come with us!”


“Are they just gonna leave us here?”

“I guess. Hey, Haberman.”

“What, Acosta?”

“You think Kelly set the fire?”

“I would have.”