Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Press Conference, 10/16/17

“Great, yes, okay, okay. Me and Mitch, who is one of my great Senators, just had the most beautiful lunch, a really great lunch. We did Monte Cristo sandwiches. A lot of people have forgotten about the Monte Cristo, but it’s just the best sandwich. The people who know about sandwiches give it an A plus. That’s an A plus sandwich. We are great friends having great sandwiches together. Working for America, me and Mitch.

“Tax reform is next week. Ten days, maybe. Next week. We have the votes already. The votes are good, really good votes. We have them. So, next week and we almost know what the plan is. We could do it today! But, we’ll do it next week. It’s really gonna be great.

“Mitch, you got anything to add?”

“I do not.”

“Wonderful, good, great. We are doing such beautiful things for America. We’re getting the wall. I will also be building a wall around any NFL stadium where the players kneel. Jeff Sessions says I can do that. Jeff? Where’s Jeff? Get Jeff out here. Jeff?”

RACIST GIGGLING NOISE

“I hear him. Jeff? Jeff? Okay, great, whatever, Jeff. Tax reform is the big thing now. The United States is the highest-taxed nation in the history of earth. Ever! Romans, Greeks, whatever. All time! The tax rate is around 80%, somewhere around there. Someone told me it was 80%. Someone told me Obama raised it to 80%. I tell you: Obama spent all his time in office raising taxes and kneeling during the National Anthem. Rude blacks. That’s what it is. How can we make America great again when our blacks are so rude?

“We need to do something about the taxes, but the Democrats are obstructionists. Many are rude blacks.

“Okay, questions? John?”

“Mr. President, can you give us some specifics on the tax reform bill?”

“It’s great. When you see this bill, you are gonna be so happy because it’s gonna be so beautiful. People are already coming up to me and complimenting me on the bill. We’re getting the taxes down. Tax reduction is gonna be so easy you won’t believe it.”

“Tax reduction or tax reform, sir?”

“Yes.”

“They’re two separate concepts, sir.”

“Hillary Clinton was bribed by the Russians. Did everyone see this on Fox this morning? Very high-rated show, and you can understand why when you watch CNN, which is failing and no one watches. Hillary Clinton met Russians in a pizza place and they gave her a bag full of cash. Maybe they killed some people for her? Some people call her Killary. Mitch, you wanna jump in here?”

“I do not.”

“Great, okay. Next question. April?”

“Mr. President, earlier today you criticized drug companies and also insurance companies, saying that drug companies were charging prices that are too high”

“Way too high. Obamacare was the worst deal since the Iran deal. It is destroying lives. All it was was a giveaway to the insurance companies. These insurance companies, they come into Washington–I call Washington the swamp, it’s a great nickname–they come in to the swamp and spend tons of money. Buying congress up. They give Mitch a ton of money. Right, Mitch?”

TURTLE-MAN STARING INTO THE ABYSS NOISE

“Ton of money. Mitch makes out like a bandit, he’s a real killer. You have never seen such a close relationship as me and Mitch, despite what NBC says. I’m thinking about making NBC illegal. Where’s NBC? NBC?”

“Here, sir.”

“You’re illegal.”

“What the hell are you talk–”

“NBC is illegal. You all heard me. Obama failed to punish the fake news because he was a race-baiter, so I had to do it. Wait. What time is it? Mitch, what time is it?”

“It’s eleven a.m., sir.”

“I gotta make a call. Gimme a minute. Everybody talk about me.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Hello, is this the dead soldier’s wife? I’m Donald Trump, the president. I beat Hillary Clinton, so I’m the president. Hello?”

“Okay, great, yes. Very sad. Sad. But, you know: that’s what soldiers do. Die.”

“Ma’am, there were two sides to that firefight. I’m sure there were many fine people on both sides.”

“Stop crying, you’re ridiculous. Listen, I’m gonna send you a set of tires. Isn’t that nice of me? Brand-new, on me.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Somebody get her address. Okay, next question. Carl?”

“Mr. President, do you think you handled that in the best possible way? She’s a gold-star widow, sir.”

“Gold star? I don’t care if she did well at her piano lessons.”

“No, sir. Not the little stickers you give to children. It’s an expression for families that have lost a member in military service.”

“Who do you work for?”

“CBS.”

“CBS is now illegal.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“I spoke to that widow better than any president has ever spoken to a widow. Most presidents would not call widows. In fact, I am the first president to ever call a widow. Obama used to send the widows form letters and then send the Secret Service to slap them around. Many people have told me that. When General Kelly’s son was killed in action, Obama went to General Kelly’s house and keyed his car. Where’s General Kelly? General, what’s the name of your dead kid? General? Where’s my general?”

TALL MAN TAMPING DOWN HIS RAGE NOISE

“General? I love the general, best general. General? Dead kid? He’s around here somewhere. Was there a mass shooting this week? Are we doing the moment of silence? No? Okay, great. Mitch, you wanna say anything?”

“I do not.”

“Great, the best. Okay, God bless whatever.”

3 Comments

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    October 19, 2017 at 4:38 pm

    Lovers In A Dangerous Time

  2. Mitch, you’ve just been truck-fumped.

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