Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Partial Transcript Of Stephen Miller’s Appearance On CNN’s State Of The Union, 1/7/18

“Good morning, I’m Jake Tapper and this is State of the Union. My guests today include a lightly-ethnic Democrat with nothing interesting to say, a journalist with a far more unpleasant face than mine, and White House advisor Stephen Miller. Good morning, Mr. Miller. Thank you for coming on the show.”

“Thank you for having me. Xan?”

“No, thank you.”

“More for Milly. Jake, the lies told about this president, who is the greatest president of all time and space, are disgusting. I am made physically ill by these fabrications as though they were hot garbage, or a mixed-race baby.”

“Leaving aside that last metaphor–”

“It was a simile. You’d know that if you went to Duke.”

“–I assume you’re referring to the new book by Michael Wolff out about the Trump Administration entitled The Fire And The Fury.”

“More like The False And The Faggy, Jake.”

“We’re just gonna go for it, huh?”

“Jake, the only book I can think of that contains as many lies as Mr. Wolff’s is the Koran. The lies start on the cover.”

“How so?”

“Michael Wolff is not, in fact, a wolf. That’s fake news right there.”

“Not how names work, Mr. Miller.”

“The fact is that this Wolff person never spoke to the president beyond a brief conversation. Most of his interactions were with very low-level staffers.”

“Are you saying that Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus were low-level staffers?”

“I am, yes.”

“The Chief Strategist and the Chief of Staff? They were low-level staffer?”

“Those are just titles, Jake. You know how on a movie, there’s a job called Best Boy? Well, he’s not actually the best of all the boys. Just a title. Lady Gaga? Not noble in the slightest. Ever since Obama invented transgenders, anyone can call themselves anything.”

“No, no. These two men, who apparently talked at length with Mr. Wolff on multiple occasions spanning almost a year, were at the top of the White House food chain.”

“Jake, President Trump thought Steve Bannon was a hobo and let him sleep in the West Wing out of pity.”

“Not true.”

“And he thought Reince was a Make-A-Wish kid.”

“Nuh-uh. Also not true.”

“Jake, have you ever looked at Reince Priebus? He looks like has something.”

“Regardless, these were high-ranking officials in the administration.”

“Don’t be didactic.”

“Mr. Miller–”

“This is what the fake news, the trash news, does. Every day, just negative stories about the president when all he does all day is try to make America great.”

“Speaking of ‘what the president does all day,’ a recent report claims Mr. Trump starts his day at 11 a.m. Any comment on that?”

“It’s true.”

“Mr Miller, don’t give me that. He…what now?”

“Completely true. President Trump starts his days at 11 a.m. because he ends his days at 10 a.m.”


“You’ve never seen a man this vigorous. The president is powerful, lithe, and effervescent. His sinews crackle with energy and life. On several occasions, I have witnessed President Trump pick up the Resolute Desk with one hand and hold it aloft.”

“I don’t believe that at all.”

“Of course not, Jake. That’s because you’re a very biased person. A very biased, cosmopolitan person.”

“Excuse me?”

“Biased. Biased and globalist.”

“I think I see what you’re doing.”

“Very bankerish.”

“Let’s just get back to the claims in the book.”

“I’ve got a book, Jake. I’ve written a book, too. Let’s read from that.”


“It’s called CNN Hates America. Let’s turn to page 120.”

“You don’t have a book in your hands. You’re just miming it.”

“This book is as real as Michael Wolff’s fake book.”

“It’s not at all.”

“I quote. This scene takes place in the CNN cafeteria. Ahem. Jake Tapper, whose breath smells like a fart taking a shit, walked up to our table. He said, ‘I only know two things: I love lying about President Trump, and Harvey Weinstein is innocent.’ I can’t believe you said that, Jake.”

“I clearly said nothing of the sort.”

“The passage continues. We asked Jake to leave our table because he was by now wantonly masturbating. ‘Yessirree, I do love lying about the president, even though he’s a genius, because I’m so jealous of his strength and want his meat. I wish I could puke on every white person.’ Jake, these are horrible things to say.”

“Okay, that’s enough. I’m not going to let you sit there and spill your oleaginous poison all over my set. We’re done, Mr. Miller.”


“Are you speaking Parseltongue?”


“Nope. Too weird. Security?”



“Actually, Alan, could you let Dartavious handle this?”


1 Comment

  1. All of this talk about the Nazi Cosmopolitan Stephen Miller has made me pine for a kinder & gentler manifestation of Steve Miller. Pre-Watergate TV & live clips:

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