Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Partial Transcript Of Today’s Judicial Nominee Hearings

“Good morning, Mr. Peterson.”

“Good morning, Senator Kennedy.”

“Mr, Peterson, being a District Court judge is an important position. We need the most qualified people to fill those seats, and I have some questions about your background.”

“Yes, sir. I’ll answer all of them to the best of my ability.”

“Have you ever tried a case, sir?”

“A case of what, Senator?”

“A court case.”

“Oh. No.”

“Never worked in a prosecutor’s or district attorney’s office?”


“Ever served on a jury?”

“I’m a referee in my daughter’s soccer league.”

“That doesn’t count. Mr. Peterson, have you ever physically been in a courtroom before?”

“I am thinking that I was on a field trip as a child. Sixth grade? Around there. But not as an adult.”

“Uh-huh. Mr. Peterson, do you watch Law & Order?”

“I never got into that show. I know everyone loves it, but I just can’t follow them. What about NCIS? Does that count?”

“Even less than the Law & Order would have.”

“I have seen My Cousin Vinny.”

“That should count!”

“Senator Cruz!”

“That should count! That movie did its homework! That should count! Let’s make him a judge for life!”

“Quiet, Senator Cruz! Mr. Peterson, can you name the object in my hand?”

“Which hand?”

“The one I’m holding up.”

“Which object?”

“The one that’s in the hand I’m holding up.”


“A hammer?”

“That should count!”

“Shut the fuck up, Ted! Yes, Mr. Peterson, it’s a type of hammer, but I need you to answer specifically.”

“A law hammer?”

“Nuh-uh. You want some help?”

“A little, yeah.”

“Okay. It’s a gaaaaaah…”




“A galvatron? What the fuck is a galvatron?”

“He is an awesome Transformer, Senator.”

“Mr. Peterson, where did you go to law school?”

“I was homelawschooled, sir.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“It is in Louisiana.”

“Mr. Peterson, I so far can see absolutely no reason to make you a judge. You are a uniquely unqualified candidate, perhaps the worst I’ve ever seen, and there’s nothing but shifty morons coming through here lately. What argument can you make for yourself?”

“Senator Kennedy, I am punctual, I I want to make America great, and–because I cosplay as Darth Vader–I already have a robe. Thank you.”

“He already has the robe! That’s saving the taxpayers money! Let’s make him a judge!”

“Ted, shut your mealy mouth, or I’ll hit you with the galvatron.”

“I’m being bullied!”

“You deserve it. I’m calling a five-minute recess so I can go back in the cloakroom and think about blowing my brains out.”



  1. I can’t help thinking that 18 months ago, this exchange would make no sense. Today, it makes perfect sense. Sad!

  2. The funny thing is, Senator Kennedy is from Louisiana

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    December 18, 2017 at 3:12 pm

    Galvatron, O Galvatron…….

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