Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Partial Transcript Of Today’s State Department Briefing, 8/9/17

“Good morning, everyone. My name’s Heather Nauert. I used to co-host Fox & Friends, and now I’m the spokesperson for the State Department because 2017 is a nightmare from which we cannot wake. Everyone all set? Let’s get this started. Bob?”

“Heather, the president said today that North Korea would face ‘fire and fury’ if it kept threatening us.”

“You’re taking President Trump out of context.”

“How so?”

“You didn’t do the hand thing.”

“Heather, what did the president mean?”

“It means he’s not a guff-taker, unlike some former presidents I can name who are black. Speaking of black presidents, if Obama didn’t want President Trump to start a war with North Korea, then why didn’t he start a war with North Korea? Ever ask yourself that, Bob?”

“I have not asked myself that question, no.”

“There you go. Gillian?”

“Heather, the president sent out a tweet saying that he ‘modernized and updated’ our nuclear arsenal. What did that mean?”

“It means what he said.”

“But it’s not true.”

“Then it was sarcasm.”

“So what you’re saying is that the President of the United States is tweeting out jokes about the nuclear weapons?”

“Weren’t you listening to me about 2017 being a nightmare? Jack?”

“Heather, are there any scenarios including nuclear first-strikes on the table?”

“Ugh. Nukes, nukes, nukes. You guys are boring.”

“Seriously?”

“I’d really love to talk about Mexico and all of its rapists.”

“Heather, the president is waving his ICBMs around like a flasher in the park and you’re surprised we want to ask you about it?”

“What about the 33,000 ICBMs that Hillary Clinton deleted?”

“What?”

“Exactly. Exactly, Jack. Sharon?”

“Heather, the president is threatening fire and fury, but the Secretary of State just claimed that the North Korean situation has not changed.”

“Yes.”

“Those two statements contradict one another.”

“Well, one of them will turn out to be true. Let’s give it a week or two and them circle back to your question.”

TWITTER NOTIFICATION NOISE

“Heather, Kim Jung-Un just sent out a tweet showing himself making love to what looks like a pumpkin with the president’s face on it.”

“Oh, that won’t go well.”

“Will the president…what’s that sound?”

SHA NA NA INTRO MUSIC NOISE

“Aaaaaaay! The Mooch is back! Heather, take five. I got this.”

HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL BEING PUSHED INTO BRA NOISE

“That’s for you.”

TUSH SLAPPING NOISE

“Now, get. This is man’s work, honey. Hey, Sharon! You get that dick pic I sent you?”

“I did, Mr. Scaramucci.”

“Mooch!”

“Do you even work here any–”

“Listen up, candytits. I’m here to report the real position of the Trump Administration. You got your cameras on?”

“Obviously.”

“Nice. Okay. Kim Jong-Un, you softboy cockslurper, I will fuck the undersides of your swaying man-boobs if you say another word about that beautiful, patriotic man I’m so proud to call the greatest president ever. You even understand how many nukes we got? OO-fah, so many. You can’t even count ’em. They’re like giant dicks, Kimmy Gibbler. And we’re gonna fuck you. They’re not aimed at Pingpong or Poopoo or whatever you call that ratshit city of yours. Nuh-uh. They’re pointed at your asshole, Kim. Uncle Sam’s gonna turn you out, bitch. Uncle Sam’s gonna be your daddy. You call The Mooch daddy now.”

“Mr. Scaramucci.”

“Mooch!”

“Is this really what’s passing for diplomacy nowadays?”

“Sharon, this is personal.”

“How?”

“I’m a dog-lover. Let’s leave it at that.”

“Wow.”

“It’s Korean barbecue time.”

SECURITY RUSHING IN NOISE

“There he is!”

“Mooch out!”

1 Comment

  1. This would be so funny if it wasn’t a nightmare from which we cannot wake.

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