A Problem Not Anticipated By The Founding Fathers

 

“Jenkins!”

“Yes, Mr. President?”

“You, uhhh, have something for me? I was told there was a matter of pressing importance related to cybersecurity. The cyber.”

“Yes, sir. The cyber.”

“That fucking guy.”

“No argument from me, sir.”

“What is it, Jenkins? Russians? Chinese? Hackers?”

“The presidential Twitter account, sir.”

“What now?”

“Well, there’s going to have to be a handover of the account, sir. The name’s not “@barackobama,” sir, it’s “@POTUS.” It stays with the office, I guess.”

“Huh. Yeah. Haven’t thought about it. What’s the protocol?”

“Um, there is none.”

“What does the Constitution say?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

“What if we apply the Commerce Clause?”

“I don’t think so, sir.”

“We applied it to everything else.”

“Yes, sir. The clause has been broadly interpreted. It has absolutely no relevance here, though.”

“So we’re setting precedent here. We should be cautious and examine this from all sides. What if, hypothetically, I kept the account?”

“That might be a coup.”

“Nooo. Yeah?”

“Like, a little bit. A little tiny bit of a coup, sir.”

“Then let’s avoid that course of action.”

“Prudent, sir.”

“What if I kept the Twitter, but gave up the Gram?”

“No, sir.

“That would be a blow to me. I kill it on the Gram.”

“Sir, please.”

“All right, Jenkins. Hold your horses.”

“Held, sir.”

“The handover must be peaceful and in accordance with American traditions. Should we do it in the Map Room?”

“I don’t know if that’s necessary.”

“Maybe get some generals to stand around. Last chance I’ll have for that, and I love it. They stand around in their outfits, and everything seems so serious.”

“There is absolutely no need to get the military involved in the Twitter account, sir.”

“CIA?”

“You’re making this far more complicated than it needs to be, Mr. President.”

“America’s a lot more complicated than it needs to be at the moment, Jenkins.”

“Again you get no argument.”

“This is not a normal election. Both of the candidates have unique problems when it comes to giving them the presidential Twitter account. Secretary Clinton can’t keep goats in a field, in a cyber sense.”

“The secretary’s servers do seem to have an open-door policy, sir.”

“Give that woman the account and it won’t be an hour before someone hacks it and starts sending out Nazi porn from the White House. Markets will love that bullshit, Jenkins.”

“They always correct themselves, sir.”

“No, Jenkins. Markets have always corrected themselves so far. The market is a turkey that gets fed and cared for every single day, and then suddenly November rolls around. You can’t play around with the market.”

…

“Please just keep being president.”

“Everyone needs to stop saying that to me, but I appreciate the support, Jenkins.”

“Will you take me with you?”

“No. Back to the issue at hand.”

“What if Trump wins, sir?”

“Then God help us all.”

“Yes, sir, but what about the Twitter account?”

“He’s already got one.”

“Sir.”

“Fine, Jenkins. How do you suggest we do this?”

“It’s simple, sir. I just need the password.”

“The what?”

“Password, sir.”

“You need the password?”

“Sir, whatever it is is beside the point. I’ve got top-level clearance.”

“The password. Huh.”

…

“Password is, uhh, B.”

“B.”

“Next letter is, uhh, E.”

“E”

“Then we have a Y.”

“Sir, is the password ‘Beyoncé?'”

“Yes, it is.”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Good, because I can have your throat cut.”

“Yes, sir.”