Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Queen, The King, A Prince, And John Mayer

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Hi, this is John Mayer. Are you calling about my laundry detergent?”

“I don’t like to curse a lot, John, but what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Katy?”

“NO! You shall not call me by that name! I am an Ancient Egyptian god who lives in a pyramid!”

“It’s the Luxor. It’s a casino shaped like a pyramid.”

“I have assumed my final form, John.”

picsart_09-17-07-40-52

“I am Katypatra.”

“Oh, good.”

“I bring maat to the people, and fight the forces of Apep. I represent social phenomena, and am believed to be immanent within them.”

“You’re just reading from Wikipedia now.”

“The Luxor has the classiest WiFi in Vegas, John.”

“What’s the password?”

“fucktaylorswift”

“All one word?”

“That’s why I said it like that, John. Now: are you on your way?”

“Yes, yes. I am this time. Promise.”

“You need to hurry, John. Because…because…”

“Katy?”

“Katypatra.”

“I’m not saying that. Why did you trail off?”

“I couldn’t bring myself to do the exposition, John. I thought about saying how Kim Jong-Un was in the King Tut Suite–”

“Of the Luxor Hotel, which you somehow own.”

“–with a nuclear bomb that he’s threatening to set off unless you hang out with him. I thought about doing it and I got exhausted and I just couldn’t, John.”

“Sure. Katypatradoodles?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why don’t you just use your ancient godly powers to turn Kim Jong-Un into a donkey-person or something?”

“That’s an excellent question, John.”

“So, are you coming or not?”

“I said I was! I’m on my way. Now just keep that lunatic cool for–”

KARATE NOISE!

“What the hell was that?”

“It sounded like karate, John.”

“Uh-huh. I was talking about the source of the–”

KARATE NOISE!

“Katy, are you safe?”

“I am literally a god, John. Plus Big Ping Pong is here.”

“He still a hippo-person?”

“Hippo-American, John. I’m going to go investigate.”

KARATE NOISE!

“Oh my gosh!”

“Katy!”

“MAN, LOOKA THEM BIG OL’ BOOBIES!”

“John, I’ll call you back.”

elvis-green-black-jumpsuit

“AH HAVE ARRIVED TO SAVE THE DAY, LIKE THE HERO OF THE COMIC BOOK, EXCEPT WITH BETTER OUTFITS AND HAIR.”

“Elvis! Hi! I’m Katy Perry. We’ve met, I think, but I’m an Ancient Egyptian god now.”

“ONLY REAL ANCIENT EGYPTIAN GOD IS JESUS CHRIST!”

“Sure. What are you doing here?”

“YOU DONE GOT A STORYLINE SET IN VEGAS ‘N YOU DIDN’T THINK THE KING WOULD SHOW UP? AH HAVE EVEN BROUGHT MAH OWN SHAG CARPETING. YOU C’N DO KARATE ON IT ALL DAY AND NIGHT, KNEES DON’T HURT.”

“It’s really nice. I hate to bother you, Elvis, but we’re having a little problem. Y’see, Kim–”

“ELVIS READ TH’ EXPOSITION! OF COURSE AH WILL ASSIST YOU IN DEFEATING COMMUNISM! WE WILL PIT AMERICAN KARATE AGAINST ONLY KOREAN KARATE, WHICH IS CALLED JUDO. AH AM IN CHARGE NOW.”

“Oh. Um, actually, Elvis…I’m gonna be in charge. My casino. And I’m a god, like I said.”

“KING BEATS GOD.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“THASS HOW IT WORKS IN VEGAS. WAIT. YOU HAD ANY BABIES?”

“No.”

“THEN WE’RE GOLDEN. LESS GO KICK THIS FAT BOY IN THE FACE. ‘FORE WE GO, THO: YOU GOT ANY REFRESHMENTS?”

“You should meet Doctor Gary.”

“LEAD THE WAY, KATYDOODLE.”

“You can call me that.”

2 Comments

  1. Yes !!!

    Sweet southern Jesus Yes !!

  2. God bless Google Images.

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