DO NOT CALL ME THAT.
How’s the campaign going?
EXCELLENTLY. I FIND MYSELF IN AN EXCELLENT SITUATION.
DONALD TRUMP IS RUNNING ON THE PROSPECT OF BUILDING A FENCE ALONG THE SOUTHERN BORDER; SCOTT WALKER HAS NOW PLEDGED TO BUILD A FENCE BETWEEN AMERICA AND CANADA.
I don’t get how this helps you.
A WALL IS BETTER THAN A FENCE.
ALSO, I AM SEMI-FICTIONAL, WHILE THE FENCES ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
That’s a good point.
I DO NOT JUDGE HUMANITY: YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN WITH WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN. BUT WHEN ONE OF YOU TELLS THE OTHERS THAT HE WILL BUILD A WALL ACROSS THE AMERICA/CANADIAN BORDER, I FEEL LIKE JUDGEMENT BECOMES A MORAL IMPERATIVE.
It is 5,000 miles of uninhabited forest and snow-covered mountains.
DO NOT FORGET ALL THE ‘SQUATCH ACTIVITY. MANY MEN WOULD BE LOST IN THE CONSTRUCTION.
Probably not going to happen.
I HAD A STRATEGY MEETING WITH MY ADVISOR POLITICAL LEE, DAUGHTER OF PRECARIOUS.
That’s some good exposition there, Wally.
DO NOT CALL ME THAT. SHE HAS PROPOSED A SCANDAL. ALL THE GOOD CANDIDATES HAVE SCANDALS. HILLARY DID SOMETHING COMPUTER-RELATED.
Yeah. Plus, you know: the other four decades worth of shady bullshit.
DONALD TRUMP HAS MANY SCANDALS. BANKRUPTCIES, LAWSUITS, ILL-ADVISED REFERENCES TO “THE BLACKS.”
You should never put that “the” in there, no.
BUT IT WORKS IN HIS FAVOR. HE IS LIKE A PILE OF SHIT.
Many people have used that analogy.
I MEAN IT LITERALLY. PICTURE AN ACTUAL PILE OF SHIT: HUMAN, EQUINE, PORCINE. IT IS DISGUSTING, AND HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES. BUT IF YOU KEEP ADDING SHIT TO THE PILE, IT WILL GROW. EVENTUALLY, THERE WILL BE A PILE OF SHIT SO LARGE THAT IT IS IMPRESSIVE AND CHARISMATIC BY SHEER DINT OF SIZE.
Like the world’s biggest ball of twine.
YES. BUT MADE OF SHIT AND RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
Well, now I’m depressed.
IT IS HUMAN NATURE. BEAVERS BUILD DAMS; HUMANS DRIVE TO THE COUNTY FAIR TO SEE THE GIANT PILE OF SHIT.
We were talking about scandals.
YES. POLITICAL LEE AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT I WILL COMMIT A GAFFE. WE ARE WORKSHOPPING A FEW IDEAS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR THEM?
I WILL SLIDE INTO A PORN STAR’S DMS.
I WILL START TWITTER BEEF WITH NICKI MINAJ.
Stay off Twitter. No good comes from that place.
WHAT IF I GOT CAUGHT TEXTING MY SIDE-BOO ABOUT NETFLIX AND CHILL?
Why do you even know these things?
I AM WITH IT.
Be that as it may, these are terrible ideas. A gaffe is, properly, when a politician tells the truth when he or she bound by convention to lie.
LIKE MENTIONING THAT PUERTO RICO AND WASHINGTON D.C. WILL BECOME STATES JUST THE SECOND THEY STOP BEING SO THOROUGHLY ETHNIC?
That’d do it.
BRINGING UP THE FACT THAT THE PEOPLE CASTIGATED AS ILLEGAL ALIENS ARE HERE BECAUSE OF ECONOMIC CONDITIONS WE HAVE IMPOSED ON OTHERS, AND DEMANDED FOR OURSELVES?
Ooh, that’s a gaffe-and-a-half.
SHOULD I BRING UP HOW FAT EVERYONE IS?
Oh, no. That might be too far. Michelle Obama does that whole healthy eating thing and people give her shit about it.
PEOPLE ATTACK THE FIRST LADY FOR ADVOCATING EATING THE PROPER FOODS?
THAT IS LIKE CASTIGATING SOMEONE FOR TELLING CHILDREN TO LOOK BOTH WAYS WHEN THEY CROSS THE STREET.
You would think.
THE IDEA OF SAYING SOMETHING BAWDY HAS ALSO COME UP.
VOTERS SEE ME AS SEXLESS.
I AM SEXLESS.
WE HAVE A PLAN: I WILL ACCIDENTALLY MAKE A SMUTTY COMMENT ON A RADIO PROGRAM.
THE MIKE WILL BE HOT, BUT I WILL PRETEND I DO NOT KNOW THAT. IT WILL ENABLE ME TO GET DOWN AND GET LOOSE WITH THE COMMON MAN.
You are neither common, nor a man.
I HAVE SEVERAL OPTIONS. I COULD COMMENT ON THE PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES OF A WOMAN IN MY PRESENCE.
I COULD SAY “THOSE BUTTOCKS ARE PLEASING TO OTHER HUMANS SO SEXUALLY INCLINED.”
That’s sexist and weird. Don’t say that.
“I ENJOY LOOKING AT YOUR PHYSICALITY AND IMAGINING ITS POSSIBILITIES.” THAT IS ALSO ON THE TABLE.
Take it off the table. You’re terrible at this.
PERHAPS I COULD TELL AN ADULT JOKE.
I don’t have high hopes for this.
WHAT DID THE BLOND SAY TO HER HUSBAND?
NOTHING. A BLOND IS A MAN, AND THEREFORE THE QUESTION HAS NO INTERNAL LOGIC AND CAN THUS NOT BE ANSWERED WITHOUT DISPROVING THE SYSTEM OF LOGIC IT RESIDES WITHIN.
Why don’t you just call Hillary a bitch?
I BELIEVE THAT GAFFE OF VARIATIONS THEREOF WILL BE COMMITTED MANY TIMES THIS SEASON.
Oh, yeah. Get in early, Wally.
DO NOT CALL ME THAT.