Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Second Look At Man Of Steel 2

INT –  FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

This isn’t YOUR DADDY’S FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE. It is EXTREME and has TATTOOS. There are many TRANSPARENT COMPUTER MONITORS and BLUE LIGHTING.

LOIS LANE, played by Amy McAdams, ENTERS. She is wearing HOT PANTS.

SUPERMAN
Lois, what are you doing here?

LOIS LANE
Advancing the plot.

SUPERMAN
Great, great. How’s Jimmy Olson?

LOIS LANE
Dead.

C/U – SUPERMAN’S FACE

SUPERMAN
How dead? Dead like I was dead?

C/U – LOIS LANE’S HOT PANTS

LOIS LANE
No. Dead dead. Shot in the face.

C/U – SUPERMAN’S BUTT-CHIN

SUPERMAN
So? I’ve been shot in the face a million times.

C/U – LOIS LANE’S TITTIES

LOIS LANE
Humans can only be shot in the face once, Clark.

EXT – METROPOLIS STREET

SUPERMAN and LOIS LANE stand on the corner, eating HOT DOGS. Isn’t that the craziest thing? Just so random, right? Wacky!

LOIS LANE
How did we get here?

SUPERMAN
Reshoots. The rest of the Fortress of Solitude scene
tested poorly.

LOIS LANE
How did I even get to the North Pole in the first place?

SUPERMAN
Lois, stop talking crazy. How’s our son?

LOIS LANE
Son? We don’t have a…oh, right. The kid who threw the piano.
Retconned out of existence.

SUPERMAN
Huh. Wow. How’s Perry White?

LOIS LANE
Black.

MUSIC CUE: SHITTY RAVE MUSIC

DOOMSDAY jumps into the frame, MURDERING DOZENS OF CHILDREN  but Lois is COMPLETELY UNHARMED. The monster is being RIDDEN by LEX LUTHOR, who is played by REBEL WILSON.

LEX LUTHOR
I figure I can’t do a worse job than Jesse Eisenberg.

SUPERMAN
Sure.

LOIS LANE
He made such bad choices.

LEX LUTHOR
I will destroy you, Superman!

SUPERMAN
Why?

LEX LUTHOR
Reasons!

LOIS LANE
How?

LEX LUTHOR
Don’t worry about it!

DOOMSDAY and SUPERMAN begin PUNCHING ONE ANOTHER FOR A HALF HOUR OR SO until THE ENTIRE CITY IS DEMOLISHED and EVERYONE IS DEAD except for Lois, who COMPLETELY UNHARMED.

MUSIC CUE: BAD TO THE BONE BY GEORGE THOROGOOD AND THE DELAWARE DESTROYERS

The BATMOBILE comes SCREECHING UP to the fight. BATMAN and A NEW ROBIN exit the vehicle and ROBIN is IMMEDIATELY MURDERED.

BATMAN
MAAAAAAAAARTHA!

SUPERMAN
This one’s name was Martha, too?

BATMAN
THEY’RE ALL NAMED MARTHA!

LOIS LANE
Hi, Batman

BATMAN
Hi, Martha.

It BEGINS to RAIN.

1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*