Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Secret Plan To Win The War

“This? They elected this?”

“THASS WHAT AH’M TELLIN’ YOU, NIX. THE FUTURE OF AMERICA IS AT STAKE HERE. THIS HERE ORANGE FELLA AIN’T NO GOOD.”

“This is the one who enjoys the…what did you call them, Elvis?”

“PEEPEE PARTIES, SIR.”

“That’s a filthy perversion, Elvis.”

“AND ISS COMMIE PISS, MAN.”

“The yellow menace strikes again. What of his background? Tell me about his legislative accomplishments.”

“HE’S A DANG TEEVEE HOST, SIR.”

“Like Captain Kangaroo?”

“HE DON’T HAVE NO SIDEBURNS, BUT OTHER’N THAT? YEAH, JUSS LIKE HIM.”

“Jesus. Elvis, do you know why I bombed Cambodia?”

“PATRIOTISM, SIR?”

“That’s it, yes. No matter what they say about Nixon, they can never say he did not love his country enough.”

“YOU TALKIN’ BOUT THEM ROCKET’S RED GLARE. UH-HUH.”

“What you’re suggesting, Elvis…this is unorthodox. Might even be illegal.”

“NOT IF YOU DO IT, SIR.”

“I don’t follow.”

“IF THE PRESIDENT DOES IT, IT AIN’T ILLEGAL.”

“Huh. Yeah. Y’know what? I like that.”

“THASS ALL YOURS, NIX.”

“I should write that down. Where the hell is Jenkins?”

“HE WENT TO FETCH MAH WAWA TEN MINUTES AGO.”

“Goddamned layabout. Can’t get good help these days.”

“AH TOL’ YOU: INSTALL SOME TAPE RECORDERS IN HERE.”

“One great idea after another. Have you ever thought about going into politics, Elvis?”

“YES, SIR, AH HAVE.”

“Republican Party can use some men like you.”

“THERE’S ONLY ONE MAN LIKE ME, NIX.”

“True, true. So, uh, how do we do this?”

“AH WILL GATHER YOU IN MAH STRONG ARMS AND ENGAGE MAH TIME CAPE.”

“Whoa. Elvis, I don’t know what kind of thing you Hollywood types are into, but Nixon isn’t doing any queer shit.”

“THIS ENDEAVOR IS NOTHING BUT MANLY, NIX! THE KING AIN’T NO SISSY! AN’ IF AH WAS, THEN AH COULD DO BETTER THAN YOU.”

“Hey, hey, hey: I was not accusing you of anything, Elvis.”

“AH SURE HOPE NOT. AIN’T NO SECRET SERVICE IN TH’ WORLD FAST ENOUGH TO BEAT MAH KARATE IN A RACE TO YOUR FACE. AH GOT CLAWS LIKE AN EAGLE, AN’ A HEART LIKE A LION.”

“You’re describing a griffin.”

“THEN SO BE IT!”

“Well, I certainly offer a sincere apology for any offense. It was unintentional. I categorically state for the record that neither you nor I is a homosexual.”

“NIX, WE MIGHT JUS’ BE THE TWO LEAST GAY DUDES ON THIS HERE PLANET.”

“Okay, sure. Now you were mentioning something about a time cape?”

“YOU CAPITALIZE THAT PHRASE, DAMN YOU!”

“Time Cape?”

“BETTER.”

“Good, I was thinking you meant all the letters. I, uh, cannot speak in all caps like you can.”

“VERY FEW CAN, MISTER PRESIDENT. JUS’ ME AN’ A SOUND SYSTEM WON’T BE BUILT F’R THREE YEARS.”

“You lost me again, Elvis.”

“DON’ YOU WORRY ‘BOUT IT.”

2 Comments

  1. Robert Hernandez

    January 14, 2017 at 1:29 am

    Are you gonna bring Wally into this?

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