A Shirt For All Seasons

Can a t-shirt change your life? The right one can. Put a spring in your step, a boner in your pocket, and the thickest head of hair ever seen on your head? Sure, but only a special shirt. The heartbreak of psoriasis? Cured. The headache of Polyphemus? Soothed. The harpoon of Plesiosaurus? That is not a thing, and it might not even be spelled right.

Feeling insecure about your body? Put the shirt on. Been up in the gym working on your fitness? Pop the shirt off. If you are playing an impromptu game of touch football, and someone suggests “shirts and skins,” you will be able to play on either team. You could even find a middle path, and do the move where you leave the shirt on, but put the front of it over your head and behind your neck.

If there were a small fire, you could beat it out with this shirt. If there were a large fire, you could use the garment as a face mask to avoid breathing in smoke as you made your way to the lifeboats. (The large fire takes place on a cruise ship; I should have told you that at the beginning of the sentence.)

By purchasing this shirt, you will never have to worry about signs that say “No shirt, no shoes, no service” anymore, as they will no longer apply to you.

Is this shirt a collector’s item? Yes! Will it appreciate in value? Maybe! Should you consider buying this shirt to be an investment in your family’s future? That’s up to you!

“Sure, TotD: that’s literally the most beautiful piece of clothing I’ve ever seen and will definitely get its wearer laid, but I’m not a t-shirt person; I only wear wetsuits and pasties.”

Good point, weirdo. To that, I’d say: Christmas is coming. The Wall ’16 shirt would make a fine gift for most anyone, including:

• Layabouts.
• Scroungers.
• Pathological fliers. (People who just can’t stop taking the redeye.)
• Backup catchers.
• Great-nieces by marriage.
• People who like picnics.
• Defrocked priests. (This would be a great gift for a defrocked priest: they need something to wear.)
• Animists.
• Animators.
• Anna Kendrick.
• Stevedores.
• Tea wallahs.
• Courtesans.
• Artisans.
• The working poor.

Also: a contest. First person to get a shirt to an actual Grateful Dead wins. Admittedly, this contest has a certain Marin bias: if you live in Cleveland, you’re just not going to run into Bobby, but we both know life isn’t fair.

But, for the folks in the TXR/Sweetwater area: this is an easy-ass contest. And, as we know through painstaking research, the one thing that binds all Grateful Deads–even more than the music–is their love for free clothing. There’s at least a 50% chance that if you gave the shirt to Phil, he would be wearing the jean jacket with the Stealie on the back he got at Santa Clara. Young John Mayer might not want it, but if you tell him it’s a Saint-Laurent, he’ll grab it out of your hands and put it on the Insta.

Anyway: this is what it’s come to. Capitalism, kinda.

ASSORTED SEMI-SERIOUS NOTES:

• Obviously, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I do think the shirt looks good.
• The deal with this site is they do limited runs–this one is 50–but enough people have already ponied up so that even if we don’t get there, those shirts will be made and sent out and actually exist.
• Also, this one is just black with the white lettering; once you click the button, you can’t edit it to include more options for colors. If you can’t live with black, then I apologize and will get it right next time. (If there’s a next time.)
• Speaking of next time, I already have two great ideas: one of which I can do by myself, but the other is beyond my tools and talents. Anyone out there a designer? I know exactly what the shirt’s going to look like, but I need someone to, you know: draw it. I will say this: the thing I need help with is not going to be specific to TotD; every Deadhead is going to want one. We’ll split the profits I tell you about right down the middle. Say something in the Comment Section, or send me an e-mail.