Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a thinking. World is-a all screwy.”

No arguments

“Everybody need-a da Jesus.”

At this point, it couldn’t hurt. Wait, which Jesus?

“Which Jesus? Whatsamatta you, which Jesus? Jesus is-a da Jesus.”

Jesus is like Batman, Your Holiness.

“This is-a da blasphemy.”

There’s happy, campy Batman; and grim, gritty Batman; and ben, affleck Batman. Many Batmans. Batmen?”

“Is-a no important. Get-a to da point.”

Jesus is like that: there’s the one from the books, who was frankly terrifying, and then there’s the one on teevee, who is much friendlier and wants you to be rich.

“No, no. Jesus say give-a you money away. Exact-a opposite thing. Capitalist Jesus is-a no Jesus.”

I feel like you’re not getting the nuance of my argument about differential manifestations of character essentialism.

“You keep-a talking da crap, I-a gonna inorcise you.”


“Exorcise get-a ridda da demon. Inorcise put-a da demon in.”

You can do that?

“Si, si. I’m-a da Pope-a.”