Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Terrible Prayer For Travelers

O Lord
Let not my flight become be-gremlined
There is nothing on the wing
Statistically, it’s the safest way to travel

O Lord
Delay not my passage
Nor lose my bag
If I have to check it
Please leave me space
In the overhead compartment
Lord, I do not ask for much

O Lord
Board not unto my plane
A YouTube prankster
Or drunken stooge
The smelliest man in the world
Arm-flapping babies full of scream and stink
Pilled-up yammerers
The enormous.

It is too much to ask that I have the plane to myself
I would not ask that of the Lord
(Even though You could do it, couldn’t You?)
It is too much to ask of the Lord

Keep the engines on the plane, God
Sometimes the fuckers just pop right off
Keep ’em hanging on
Wings, too.

Some airline pilots shoot heroin
Please not mine
Some TSA agents grab your dick and balls

O Lord
Let not a Die Hard 2-type situation break out
While I am in the terminal
Nor an Executive Decision-type situation occur
While in the air
Let’s not bring John Leguizamo into this
Leave John Leguizamo out of this, Lord

I fly out of the airport that asshole flies into
Don’t make me see his plane, Lord
It’s Christmas
This is my ask, Lord.
Don’t make me look at that asshole’s asshole plane.

And let traffic be light
And let conflict be light

O Lord
Kill me now or grant me passage
Stop fucking around
And also the engines
Keep the engines on the plane
Wings, too


  1. it will all be ok. well, not all, but the plane.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    December 24, 2016 at 7:50 am

    my apologies for stinking up the plane with Crow & Oly sweat. and raving during Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. i did not know that George Chakiris was in the Chorus. Honest.

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