Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Thought Experiment

You are the president of Ursinia. (More like president-for-life, or just plain ol’ ruler. If you translated “Caesar” into whatever language the fictional Ursinia uses, then that would be the right word.) You control the country’s money, and you control the country’s military. Your power is such that you can have enemies openly murdered. In your youth, and in the beginning of your career, Ursinia was much larger and more powerful; you wish to go back to the way things were. To make Ursinia great again.

But, on this fictional planet, you have rivals; chief amongst them Aquilana. They are your long-term enemy, and you have been more or less at war with them for seventy years. This war has taken place on every battleground available save an all-out martial struggle between your two nations: proxy military skirmishes between putatively neutral nations; legal fights, diplomatic standoffs, propaganda raids, covert funding of political movements, scrabbles for cultural hegemony, and so much espionage that no one knows who’s working for whom anymore and everyone is at least a triple agent.

At one point, Ursinia and Aquilana went into someone else’s country and built a wall right through the middle of a city, like that old sitcom plot where the roommates get sick of each other and divide the apartment. (You’ll forgive my ludicrous flights of fancy in building my fictional planet, and I hope the “wall through a city” thing doesn’t make it too unrealistic.)

Now: unlike you, the leader of Aquilana is elected every–let’s pick a number at random–four years, and unlike the votes you hold every now and then, the ones in Aquilana count. The person who wins gets the money and the military. It’s a big fucking deal.

You’ve been through a bunch of these elections before, and they were all the same in that no matter who won, Aquilana’s position would remain “Ursinia should go fuck itself, but we are willing to negotiate.” You were interested, but also disinterested.

But the situation has changed in this latest contest. One of the candidates is demonstrably better for your interests. At this point I could again start weaving wild tales about how the candidate owes you money, or has a campaign manager with ties to you, or that the candidate has publicly admired you time and again, but I fear too many details clearly fictitious would detract from my simpler point, which I will state again: one of the candidates is demonstrably better for your interests.

What would you do?


  1. You would try to work things for that candidate. But you wouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket. You would also make sure 10’s of millions of dollars found its way into the coffers of the other opponents “family business” ur uh charitable foundation thingy.

  2. You’d vote for a third party, which would do things the other two parties will nevar, evar do: end wars (on drugs, terrorism, poor people, brown people, etc.), take decent care of the victims of said wars, restrain the power of the State over individuals, look to the future, not try to fix every problem afflicting humanity (because it can’t), not meddle in the affairs and civil wars of other nations / religions, and generally leave people alone to live their lives, for better or for worse.

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