Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Acceptable Reasons For Wearing Flippity-Flops/Sandals

  • The FEMA teams burned your shoes, along with the rest of your clothes, following the weaponized herpes attack.
  • Shoes were stolen by gypsies.
  • Shoes were stolen by tramps.
  • Ditto, thieves.
  • You have a weird foot disease AND a doctor’s note.
  • None of that “shin splints” bullshit.
  • They are huaraches, and you made them out of a used tire because you’re unfathomably poor, in which case I withdraw any objections to your life I might have made.
  • Although, you know: don’t got shoes, don’t got internet, so they ain’t reading this.
  • I’m talking about people who have almost infinite choice in footwear, yet still choose to barely wrap their feet in cheap plastic and foam and show the world bunion city down there.
  • Feet are so dirty that they might as well be made out of assholes.
  • You’re an anarchist in a bowling alley. (Fight the power.)
  • You’re an idiot on a construction site. (They’re doing wonderful things with prosthetics lately.)
  • Live in a communal situation and need to shower.
  • You are a 17th-century Shogun and are wearing the zoni, combined with the traditional tabi.
  • Actively potato sack-racing.
  • You are The Dude.
  • You are on the pool deck.
  • The part you’re not allowed to horseplay on.
  • You are on the beach and the sand is hot.
  • Immediately post-pedicure.

Here is a list of appropriate footwear for men, women, and transracialists of all ages, for all weather, for all occasions:

That is all. Your feet are gross. God bless America.


  1. You don’t go out looking for a job dressed like that, do you? On a weekday?

  2. Grandpa’d do whatever he could…

  3. I was bummed just a little, that is until I read #5…..which I have and can supply a note if pressed on the issue. It’s much worse for everyone else that has to see it. Thank you for being fair and balanced.

  4. Those sandals must be completely destroyed, Farenheit 451 style. I’m getting out my flamethrower now! Remove them or face the consequences!

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