- To derive a unique boner, one made up of equal parts firebuggery and patriotism.
- You are in Rage Against The Machine.
- Ribs need to be cooked.
- Signal to Gondor that the Orcs are on the march.
- The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.
- You have taken out a large insurance policy on the flag, and owe money to several disreputable and impatient individuals.
- No one is paying attention to you.
- Making a Nicolas Cage film. (This is not based in reality, but–in my head–a giant American flag bursts into flames during every Nicolas Cage film.)
- Want to light your doobie in the most rebellious way possible, maaaaaan.
- You don’t need a fucking reason, and fuck any lizard-faced thug that says different.
(Fun fact: burning money? TOTALLY against the law. Federal crime, and the Supreme Court isn’t touching that case with a ten-foot rehnquist.)