African Development Foundation I would suppose this helps Africa in its development.
Appalachian Regional Commission Without Research doesn’t mean I can’t half-remember stuff I read in the paper: this is for poor people who live in hollers with black lung and whatnot. As you might assume, the area has a Republican representative and he couldn’t have gotten on the phone to the reporter fast enough to say that the budget was unacceptable. This will be a theme.
Chemical Safety Board Clearly nonessential.
Corporation for National and Community Service No idea at all, but it certainly sounds noble. Why is a government agency a corporation, though?
Corporation for Public Broadcasting I don’t get why this is a corporation, either. I’m sticking to Without Research, but I think PBS is some sort of public/private scheme that combines the worst features of both worlds. Big Bird. Fucking Big Bird, man.
Delta Regional Authority This the same as the Appalachian thing, but for the Mississippi Delta. If you were to have a poverty-off, Appalachia and the Mississippi Delta would make the quarter-finals. (Indian Reservations will always win the poverty-off.)
Denali Commission The SUV or the mountain? If it’s the car, then I agree with the budget. If it’s the mountain, I do not.
Institute of Museum and Library Services Museums and fucking libraries. No more museums and libraries so we can go from having the largest military the world’s ever seen to a little bit more than that.
Inter-American Foundation Is the government looking inside my skin and bones? I did not consent to that, Mister Government. Get your foundation out from inside of this American. I hope the Allfather cuts your money off, and then your noses.
U.S. Trade and Development Agency I would imagine this agency is tasked with promoting American goods and services all over the world, and upon cheating and googling it, I am right.
Legal Services Corporation Fuck it: I looked this one up, too. Lawyers for the poor. Everyone go to their nearest railroad tracks and check for women tied down by the Trump Administration. We’re ten minutes away from Trump donning a black cloak and retelling the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise.
National Endowment for the Arts The fucking arts!
National Endowment for the Humanities The fucking humanities!
Neighborhood Reinvestment Corporation Another corporation. I totally don’t get it. Does it have to do with how the organization is structured? And here’s the scary question: you think Turnip’s got any idea, either?
Northern Border Regional Commission Wall.
Overseas Private Investment Corporation Okay, I looked this one up, too, and it seems like a CIA front.
United States Institute of Peace What’s the budget for the Institute of Peace? Twenty grand a year? Do they even get a building, or do they have to meet in Starbucks and steal the WiFi? Is the Institute of Peace also the Grateful Dead Ticketing Office? This cut is just pure, petty spite; I can’t imagine anything meaner and smaller than this.
United States Interagency Council on Homelessness I stand corrected.
Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars Wilson was a racist prick and a loser, so I might be okay with this one, too. On the other hand, if scholars do not exist, then I can’t make fun of them. Solution: Barack Obama International Center for Scholars.