Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Ain’t No Party Like A Bull Moose Party Cuz A Bull Moose Party Don’t Stop

Oh. Hello, President Roosevelt. I wasn’t expecting you.

“DEE-lighted! Name!?”

Thoughts on the Dead, sir.

“Terrible name! Bingley, that’s a bully name. I have another boy, he’s going to be Bingley!”

Excellent choice, sir.

“When are you, exactly?”


“Huzzah! How goes the Empire?”


“Ours, dunderhead! The American Empire?”

Ah. Right. Yeah, see: your brand of gleeful Imperialism is no longer in vogue.

“So, so, so…America’s isolated herself!?”

Oh, God, no. We have military bases in a hundred countries and control pretty much all of the trade on the planet.


But we don’t call it an “Empire.”

“For heaven’s sake, why not?”

There was this movie…forget it. The American Empire is strong and global.

“Capital news! And domestic policy? What of that? Is my Republican party still the party of the people?”

Some people.

“Which ones?’

Rich ones. Russian ones. The rural mean.

“What has the Czar got to do with anything?”

The Czar has literally everything to do with everything, Mr. President.

“Good God, boy! What’s happening!?”

No one knows.

“Who’s the president?”

There’s the million-dollar question. Well, you remember those robber barons you fought with?

“I do.”

Okay, imagine one of them was an idiot.

“How on earth did he get elected, then?”

You’re a student of history, sir. Are you going to sit there and tell me we haven’t elected idiots before?

“Point conceded.”

But this idiot is special. Whole other level with this guy. Real thin-skinned.

“Why, that won’t do for an executive! A leader doesn’t listen to the grousing of the groundlings, he proceeds! A president not criticized is no president at all, but a tyrant, some sort of American Tarquin!”

No argument here.

“Bring me my elephant gun and my Time Pince-Nez!”

Does everyone have a time machine?

“I’m Teddy damnable Roosevelt! You didn’t think I had a time machine!?”

It kinda makes sense that you do.



  1. Bully !! indeed

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    May 11, 2017 at 1:33 pm

    Brian Keith in the Wind and the Lion

  3. A buddy of mine wrote this a few years back. Got published on American Heritage’s website.

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