Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Alabam’ Don’t Give A Damn

Another development involving the U.S. Senate race in Alabama.  At least one person in our viewing area received a robocall seeking more damaging information about Roy Moore.  Here is the text of that voicemail message received by Pastor Al Moore in Creola.

“Hi, this is Bernie Bernstein, I’m a reporter for the Washington Post calling to find out if anyone at this address is a female between the ages of 54 to 57 years old willing to make damaging remarks about candidate Roy Moore for a reward of between $5000 and $7000 dollars. We will not be fully investigating these claims however we will make a written report. I can be reached by email at albernstein@washingtonpost.com, thank you.”

Pastor Moore says he’s baffled about who might be behind the message.  He said he sent a response to the email address provided but it came back undeliverable.  We also tried the email address with the same result. – “Curious Robocall Seeks Damaging Information On Moore” 11/14/17 

TELEPHONE RINGING NOISE

“Yello?”

“Hello, there. Hi. How are you? My foot is killing me. This is, ehhhh, Izzy Itskowitz calling from the Daily Forward. Shalom. We are looking for information about that horrible Roy Moore, and we don’t care if it’s true or not. We’ll pay! You know we have the money. Anyway, call us back or don’t. No big whoop.”

“What in tarnation?”

“Early, who was that?”

“Some damn robot. Jewish one.”

“Robots is Jewish now?”

“Guess so.”

“Do they have to get circumcised?”

“Well, I do not know, Jamie-Lynn. I swear you got the sense of a toothbrush up an armadillo’s ass.”

TELEPHONE RINGING NOISE

“If that’s the Jewish robot again, ask him.”

“Hush, woman. Yello?”

Que pasa, gringos! This is Jose Sanchez from Telemundo! Ai ai ai! We are willing to pay mucho dinero for anyone willing to go on the record about this pendejo Roy Moore. We can’t pay as much as El Washington Post, but it’s still pretty good money just to make something up. We’re gonna gut this gabacho pig! Call me back!”

“That didn’t sound right.”

“Robot Jews again, honey?”

“Robot Mexicans this time.”

“Oh, no. They’ll put everybody out of work.”

“Is supper ready?”

“Yeah, if you want your chicken raw.”

“That backtalk’s gonna get you a backhand.”

“You ain’t got the balls, Early.”

TELEPHONE RINGING NOISE

“Just cook supper, okay? Yello?”

“Yo. Dis here be Rufus Green. We be handin’ out fat stacks of cheddar for information ’bout this Roy Moore honky. Ooh, I hates me some honkies and I is gonna strings dem up! You give up dat 411 and we pays you da long green. I works for da Nation of Islam and also I is a rapper and kneel when dey plays dat Star-Spangled Banner. Get at me, dawg!”

“I’m pretty sure that was a white guy doing a voice.”

“More robots?”

“Yup.”

“Well, what do they want?”

“They perpetrating to find dirt on Roy Moore. Say they’ll pay for it.”

“What? You get those ethnic robots back on the phone, Early Watkins! You know the judge grabbed your cousin’s bosom when she was 15.”

“Oh, so did the whole football team. Katie Mae wasn’t no good girl.”

“Don’t be like that, Early.”

TELEPHONE RINGING NOISE

“I’d rather talk to this robot than you. Yello?”

“HeeeelOOOOOOOOOooo! This is Bruce LaCoque calling from HOOOOOLLLLywood and we need your help, you sweaty piece of sausage. We heard that this Roy Moore was tricking with underage girls, and that’s wrong! So wrong to do that with girls. If you’ve got any juicy gossip, then call back, but better do it quick. My husband and I are about to adopt our third Christian child so we can teach them about sodomy. Toodles!”

“Jamie-Lynn?”

“Uh-huh?”

“There’s tomfoolery about.”

“Whatever you say, Early.”

2 Comments

  1. That Bernie Bernstein stuff is some of the worst shit to emanate from our fetid system of politics. Talk about throwing red meat to the audience with full identity cues of East Coast Jewish people named Bernie(Sanders) & Carl Bernstein. Today’s news conference with Roy’s attorney was beyond bizarre. Not one mention of the allegation by someone who claimed to be 14 at time of encounters with Roy, but plenty of blaming of victim who “forged” his signature in her HS yearbook. Gary Hart should demand a wayback machine teleportation as it is amazing that in 4 decades one couldn’t run or have a political career if there was a whiff of an affair(let’s be honest Hart was separated at the time, so that shouldn’t have been a big deal). In our current epoch this similar person will most likely win a Senate seat with multiple people accusing them of what would pass for statutory rape & criminal mischief with a minor in many states of the union. The age of consent being set at 16 in some states is meant for teenagers not being busted for statutory rape. Maybe a century ago it was okay for a man in his early 30’s to go after a 16 year old, but in my time it would be the action of a total creep who is probably a pedophile. Two new accusers since today’s news conference. This won’t end pretty no matter what the outcome is. In fact it already is beyond odious.

    Completely off topic, but I have been listening to Alabama Getaway and other songs with Alabama in the title a bunch since this Roy Moore deal started. Though he seemed to be addressing a person named Alabama in the song, Robert Hunter’s words still ring true today(especially this verse):

    Heard your plea in the courthouse
    Jurybox began to rock and rise
    Forty-nine sister states all had
    Alabama in their eyes

    A few videos for the sake of distraction:

    This version from Oakland, CA on New Year’s Eve 1980 is kind of fun. Bad audio, but great crowd shots. At 1:10 or so the video tape glitches and Garcia makes an excellent sour puss face in reaction to something he couldn’t have known(or perhaps he did…):

    This particular YouTube channel has a veritable treasure trove of all sorts of arcane Grateful Dead side projects with live footage primarily shot at the Capitol Theatre in Passiac. Here is one from 1976 of the JGB playing Mystery Train with your man Ron Tutt on drums and Jerry actually playing a Travis Bean. It’s poor quality footage, but it didn’t stop me from watching it:

    More action from a year later at the Capitol Theater again, but the Dead doing a Scarlet>Fire. He’s playing the other Travis Bean with single coils in this video:

    Another great lyricist seemed to be see the potential problems for Alabama as well, and he actually had the Nazis coming into power when this was written during the 20’s:

    The Doors obviously lifted from this version for their rendition. This live version must have bummed out all of the hippies at The Matrix as The Doors always seemed closer to The Velvet Underground than Jefferson Airplane & the other SF bands.

    Neil of course had to weigh in. Love this version recorded at his ranch with the brilliant Jack Nitszche on piano:

    Can’t say what will happen in the next month, but I am tired of it. I knew Trump would be an abysmal President and he has not disappointed in this regard. My problem is what will happen going forward.

    Thanks for your daily musings as they are both entertaining and informative.

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