Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?
“I’m-a having a good-a day. Look at-a da dogs!”
You chose the right name.
“Si, si. But-a Saint Francis was-a sissy.”
I see what you did there.
“Is-a Pope joke. Like-a da dad joke. but about-a da theology.”
Sure. What’s with the dogs?
“They’re-a da search dogs, and-a da rescue dogs. I don’t-a know which one is-a da which. They’re-a good pups. They got-a da jobs. Unlike some-a Popes I could-a mention.”
“I-a give him da chance. I-a pray about it, and I talk-a to God. Still is-a no good. Something gotta give.”
How bad could he be?
“He burn-a da popcorn every day. Whole-a Vatican smell-a like da scorched garbage.”
That’s not polite.
“No, no. He run-a da phone bill up and don’t-a wanna pay.”
He runs the phone bill up?
“It’s-a da Vatican. Every call is-a da international call.”
“He hog-a da wi-fi. I wanna watch-a da Netflix and it’s-a stuttering all-a over da place.”
What is he doing?
“He’s-a on da Twitch.”
The thing where you play a video game and people on the internet watch you do it?
“Si, si. He’s-a da gamer. Si. He’s got-a da code name and-a everything.”
Code name? Like a screen name?
“He play-a da games, and he say-a da bad words. He talk about-a da people’s mamas!”
That’s a popular topic. Wait: do people know it’s him?
“He wear-a da outfit.”
The full kit?
“Cape-a, hat-a, throne-a.”
He plays from that big stupid throne he used to sit on?
“Si, si. He-a put in da cup holder and-a da speakers. It’s-a da gaming throne.”
That is not very Pope-like.
“It’s-a bad for-a da brand.”
“I don’t-a get the games. I was-a da young man in-a da 80’s. I had-a da Pac-Man Fever. I see-a da barrel, I hop over da barrel.”
You hung out in video arcades?
“Si, si. In-a fact, arcade was where-a I first spoke-a to da Jesus.”
“I wanted to play-a da Q-Bert, but I only had-a two quarters. So, I-a pray to da Jesus. I say, ‘Jesus, let-a me be the best-a Q-Berter in-a da world so these-a quarters will last-a da long time.’ And Jesus? He-a answer me.”
Well, what did he say?
“He-a say, ‘Schmuck, go buy-a some food with those quarters and-a feed someone.'”
That sounds like Jesus.