Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

All Good Things



“Johnny Vegas speaking.”

“Why do you do this every time you go there?”


“Vegas does something odd to you, John.”

“Action, baby! Besides, I figure I might as well get used to it.”

“Both of our best-case scenarios are winding up there, yeah.”

“What’s that sound?”

katy perry bburning man

“Burning Man, John! It is the sound of freedom, and radical self-reliance! Also, there’s like 200 hot chicks doing yoga poses in slutty outfits while their boyfriends take pictures for Instagram. Very loud.”


“Also, there’s a little bit of a sandstorm.”

“You know you’re allowed to take drugs and have sex in weird costumes in your living room, right?”

“The sand is the scour of Drug Christ!”


“Like regular Jesus, but with drugs. Lot easier to believe in, honestly. He protects the Playa.”

“Where was he when those rich guys got their camp burned?”

“Even Drug Jesus falls out once in a while.”


“John, have you considered that the fact that ‘slavery’ and ‘white slavery’ are two different things starkly underlines the white supremacy baked into the system?”

“I haven’t, but I will now. Huh. Good point.”

“Why would you–”

“Doctor Gary has begun slaving.”

“–bring up slavery? Oh, no. Katy, tell Doctor Gary not to enslave people.”

“He’s stubborn.”


“But he’s not racist! Well, wait: he’s a terrible racist, but he’s not doing the slaving in a racist way.”

“How so?”

“Between the fact that everyone’s completely covered in dirt, and the fact that almost everyone here regardless of race has dreadlocks, it’s almost impossible to tell what the hell people are. I mean: what they are is Doctor Gary’s slaves now, but you know what I mean.”

“He’s kidnapping Burners?”

“Kidnapping implies release and ransom, John. This is enslavement. He owns them.”

“That’s not legal.”

“Before I got impeached, I signed a stack of pardons for Doctor Gary, John.”


“It was a big stack.”


“My hand hurt after I did it.”

“Katy, you need to make Doctor Gary stop…no, y’know what? You have to get away from that guy entirely.”

“He is a colorful character.”

“How is he even doing this? How do you ‘enslave’ someone at fucking Burning Man?”


“I don’t what that is, but it sounds scary.”

“First step’s a doozy.”

“What is it?”

“Layman’s terms?”


“Zombie pill.”

“Goddammit, Katy. This is not right.”

“It got weird almost immediately. 120 Days of Sodom mixed with Human Centipede.”

“You need to not be associated with this. It’s a bad look, Katy. Come down to Vegas.”

“What’s in Vegas?”

jm vegas hotel room

“Nice, huh?”

“Is that the Suicide Suite? Because it looks like that’s the room the hotel gives to people they know are going to kill themselves during their stay.”

“It’s a cabana.”

“That is a cabana of drudgery and sadness.”

“But I’m in no danger of being enslaved by a rogue chemist.”

“Excellent point. I’m on my way. Hold on one second.”




“Okay, I’m coming to Vegas now, John.”


1 Comment

  1. I think Katy Perry is becoming my favorite character in this here semi-fictional universe. Sorry, Precarious.

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