Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?
“I’m-a teaching about-a da water safety. Summer’s-a coming.”
Is that your life-preserver, Your Holiness?
“No, no: mine’s-a white.”
“Gotta wear-a da life jacket. All-a da priests on-a my boat have-a to wear-a da jackets. And-a if there’s enough, the nuns-a get jackets, too.”
You have a boat?
“It’s-a da Popeboat. We load-a it up with-a da sacramental wine and have-a da booze cruise.”
“Oh, si. It’s-a tough gig. Refugees this, and-a da cripples that.”
So you take the boat out on Sundays?
“Sundays? No, no: that’s-a my crazy day. You know-a da song, Manic Monday? My Sunday is-a my have to run day.”
“It’s-a not my fun day.”
I understand. Back to the Popeboat, Your Holiness.
“It’s-a nice boat. Ooh, I like-a da boat.”
Sounds like it.
“You touch-a my boat, I break you face.”
“I like-a to catch-a da fish.”
I did not know this about you.
“Love-a da fish. First, I bless-a da bait.”
“And then I bless-a da reel.”
“Long-a story short: everything gets-a da blessing.”
Are you a good fisherman? Do you catch a lot of fish?
“I’m-a like-a da Ted Williams.”
That is an obscure reference, Pope Francis.
“But I don’t-a eat-a da fish! When I catch-a da fish, I throw-a him back.”
That’s nice of you.
“I give-a da fish a blessing first.”
Just like Saint Francis.
“Si, si. But it cause-a da problem with-a da Pope of Fish. He-a say I’m-a on his territory.”
There’s a Pope of Fish?
“Si, si. There’s-a da Pope of-a da everything. Pope of Fish, Pope of Greenwich Village, list-a goes on.”
If you say so.
“Last-a time out, I let-a Benedict drive-a da boat.”
How’d that go?
“Put-a da thing in a ditch.”
How is that even possible?
“That’s-a what I want-a to know! That-a fucking guy. Oh! Forgive-a da language.”
I forgive you.
“Right-a back atcha.”