Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

All Today’s News At Once

“Jenkins!”

“Yes, Emperor Palpatine?”

“What the hell is going on?”

“The Galactic House of Representatives has voted to repeal and replace healthcare.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I’m supposed to be the Sith around here. They’re stealing my thunder.”

“Yes, sir.”

“All of it?”

“Almost, Emperor. No bacta tanks for people with pre-existing conditions.”

“That’s what bacta tanks are for! Pre-existing conditions! You don’t get in one if you’re feeling fine.”

“I agree, sir, but according to the new plan, you need to be injured while in the tank.”

“That makes no sense.”

“No, sir. Also, medical droids are to be reprogrammed 20% stupider.”

“That’s just wanton cruelty.”

“Yes, sir.”

“This is me saying this, Jenkins.”

“I fully understand the import, sir.”

“Killing younglings and blowing up planets is one thing, but healthcare is a right.”

“Not anymore, sir. Although, the bill is going to face serious opposition in the Senate.”

“I am the Senate.”

“That’s what I meant, sir.”

“When did these idiots come up with this plan?”

“Last two weeks, thereabouts?”

“Two weeks!? For a healthcare plan for the whole galaxy?”

“To be fair, sir, it’s easy to come up with a healthcare plan if you don’t put any healthcare in it.”

“Good point, Jenkins.”

“The first page is just one sentence: And now, you will die.

“THEY’RE STEALING MY LINES!”

“Egregious all around, sir.”

“Jenkins?”

“Emperor?”

“Execute…Order 92.”

“You want tacos?”

“That’s Order 71, dummy.”

“There are a lot of Orders, sir. Why don’t you just tell me what you want.”

“Because it’s more fun my way. Order 92!”

“Buy you a Houston Astros throwback jersey?”

“That’s Order 3, moron.”

“Why would that be so high up?”

“Concentrate!”

“Sorry, sir.”

“I’m this close to shooting lightning bolts at you.”

“Yes, sir. I will execute Order 92. I will, to the best of my ability, faithfully execute Order 92, which is a great Order, one of the best, and in fact it is my honor to be trusted with this very, very, very–”

“Murder the Galactic House of Representatives, Jenkins.”

“–important…yes, sir, I can do that. Thank you for the opportunity. Sir?

“Oh, what is it?”

“What about the representatives that didn’t vote to repeal?”

“What about ‘Murder the Galactic House of Representatives’ didn’t you understand?”

“Yes, sir. Can I borrow the Death Star?”

“The keys are in my cape.”

“You want anything while I’m out?”

“Frappucino. You know how I like it.”

“Frappucino with extra whipped cream, murder the House. Got it. Be back soon.”

“And a Rice Krispie treat.”

“Yes, sir.”

3 Comments

  1. What is so hard to explain? The gop are lowering costs health coverage, cutting gov spending to hospitals and insurers, lowering taxes, and giving insurance billions for profits
    Win win win win

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    May 5, 2017 at 1:39 pm

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