jm-sad-diptych

Look how serious you look.

“Really?”

Are you the Saddest Rock Star in the World?

“Knock it off.”

Ladies and gentlemen, step right up and see The Saddest Rock Star in the World! His tears fill stadiums! His guitar solos sound like moping!

“You done?”

Sure. Why are you in LA? You were literally en route to the Luxor hotel–

“Which Katy now owns.”

–last time I saw you.

“No. No, I was a deer-person last time you saw me.”

Oh, right. Katy–

“Who owns the Luxor.”

–is also an Egyptian god now and chimerafied you.

“I was a deer-person.”

You’re angry?

“A little.”

Johnboy–

“Don’t call me that. Only Andy Cohen gets to call me that.”

–I don’t understand why this is the thing that drives you over the edge.

“Straw that broke the camel’s back, man. Forget the freejacking. Forget the deer-person thing. It’s everything. Remember when Eddie Vedder beat me up?”

Umm…yes. Wait, yes. That was funny.

“And when all the dead musicians used a time machine–”

Sheath.

“–for the specific purpose of pooping in the Earthroamer?”

That’s happened on several occasions.

“What about the time I turned into Lego?”

That was Bobby.

“I wasn’t in that one?”

Can’t make a Lego you. Just looks like a guy.

“Sure.”

If you grew a giant beard or something, you would be much more Legoable.

“No, no. I getcha.”

John?

“Yeah?”

jm-kylo-ren

“You’re a dick.”

What?

“This Instagram post was very meaningful to me, and you’re just a dick.”

I know, I know: it was to celebrate the 15th anniversary of a record or something.

“Tenth.”

Excuse me?

“Tenth anniversary. Of Continuum.”

Oh. Because I was going to say you looked good for 15 years, but for ten years, you look rough.

“Asshole.”

Hey, man: you’re the one who thinks a face can be washed in only an hour. That’ll catch up with you eventually.

“Such an asshole.”

Hold on, wait: aren’t you supposed to be meeting Kim Jong-Un at the Luxor, too? And didn’t he threaten to set off more nukes if you didn’t?

“He can wait.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Asshole.”

Whatever. Pick up the phone. Someone needs to teach you responsibility.

“Mayer.”

“You don’t need to come by. I don’t need that thing.”

“Katy?”

“Everything’s all good. Fo sheezy.”

“You sound weird. I’m coming there right now.”

“Negative, negative. We had a small reactor leak. Give me a minute to lock it down.”

“Katy, what the hell is going on!?”

Russell Brand And Katy Perry Visit Planet Hollywood Resort A nd Casino To Celebrate Grandmothers 90th Birthday

“Don’t come here okay bye.”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!”

To be continued!

“Well, no shit ‘to be continued.’ These things are always continued.”

Leave me alone: I didn’t have an ending.

“It’s the effort you put forth that brings all your success.”

You do realize that every time you open your mouth, that phone gets closer to ringing?

I thought so.