You really should play some ’97 DMB, bro.
Bro? Fuckin’ Tinsley on the violin? Sick, bro. Sick.
“I’ll take your word for it.”
What are you doing?
“Giving the fans a little John Time.”
Is that like Pope Time?
“Gotta promote the new record, The Search for Everything.”
The Search for Everything?
You need a writer? Seriously. I work cheap, but you have to put up with a lot of bullshit.
“Kiss my ass. You think you could do better?”
“Go to it.”
Put Your Pussy On My Heart.
Like, more than John Mayer. John Mayest.
“I get it.”
“No, but I get it.”
“AH AM BREAKIN’ INTA THIS HERE MIDDLIN’ POST TO BRING EV’RYONE A ‘PORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!”
You can’t just show up.
“BUT AH DID AN’ NOW AH’M HERE SO LESS JUS’ MOVE PAST IT.”
“GO PLAY DAVE MATTHEWS TUNES, BOY. THIS HERE GROWN-UP BUSINESS.”
“I’m older than you.”
“AH DO NOT KNOW WHY AH GOTTA PUT UP WITH THAT.”
Join the club.
“THERE HAS BEEN AN INCIDENT.”
“Y’ALL KNOW THIS RUSSIAN FELLA, POOTER?”
“BLESS YOU. HE’S A BAD HOMBRE, MAN. GETTIN’ ALL KINDA FUNNY IDEAS ‘BOUT TH’ WAY THINGS WORK.”
I know who he is.
“AS YOU KNOW, AH AM A MAN OF PEACE.”
“BUT AH AM ALSO AN AMERICAN OF PEACE, WHICH MEANS AH AM GONNA WHUP SOME COMMIE ASS.”
“‘CEPT THERE HAS BEEN AN INCIDENT. AH BLAME EV’RYONE ‘CEPT MAHSELF.”
“AH DECIDED THAT THE AWESOME POWER OF A FULLY-OPERATIONAL TIME CAPE WAS NOT ENOUGH F’R WHAT AH HAD T’ DO. AH REQUIRED A SECOND DEVICE OF TIME-WARPIN’ CAPABILITY.”
That is probably not a good idea.
“AIN’T NO PROB’LY ABOUT IT, BOY. YOU SHOULD NOT LET TWO TIME MACHINES TOUCH EACH OTHER.”
“THINGS IS GETTIN’ WEIRD ‘ROUND HERE. MISS MARY JUS’ CALLED FROM GRACELAND. BIG OL’ STEGOSAURUS IN TH’ RACQUETBALL COURT.”
What precisely happened, Elvis?
“THERE WAS ONLY ONE OTHER TIME MACHINE AH KNEW OF.”
Dammit. Not the Time Sheath.
“WHEN AH POSSESS IT, IT BECOMES A TIME SCARF.”
You shouldn’t possess it. Neither should the Dead. I’m trying to think of people who would be worse to give machine to than Elvis and the Grateful Dead, but all I can come up with are serial killers and dictators.
“POSSESSION IS NINE TIMES EIGHTY-FOUR!”
Are you trying to say “Possession is nine-tenths of the law?'”
MAH HEEBIE-JEEBIES IS COMIN’ ON SOMETHIN’ FIERCE, MAN.
Please just tell me what happened.
“AH SWALLOWED MAH ROYAL PRIDE, AND EVEN THOUGH AH HAVE FAILED IN MAH QUEST T’ KARATE WITH HAIRY GARCIA, AH CALLED TH’ FILTHY DRUG DEN THEY ALL LIVE IN. LUCKILY, THE DIRTY HIPPIE THAT PICKED UP KNEW ‘BOUT POOTER. HE AGREED TO JOIN ME AN’ BRING THE TIME SCARF.”
Sheath. Who was it?
“TH’ BASS PLAYER.”
“AH WILL BE DAMNED T’ HELL ‘FORE AH LEARN A BASS PLAYER’S NAME.”
Dammit. Phil’s actually vaguely competent. I don’t know why he did this. Wait. Phil from when?
“MIDDLE O’ THE 80’S.”
Aw, man. Phil?
“Kiss my ass.”
“You, with your little sketches, and Pooter–”
“–and his bullshit, and Josh and his chatting and snapping, and Elvis, too. Kiss my ass, Elvis.
“DONT’ YOU TALK T’ YER KING THAT WAY, YOU SLOPPY SUMBITCH.”
“Everything would’ve been fine until dickless here’s monkey grabbed the Time Sheath–”
“–and threw it around his sweaty neck.
“THAT MONKEY HAS A NAME, BOY. ISS CHARLIE HODGE. AH ALSO HAVE AN ACTUAL MONKEY. HIS NAME IS CHARLIE HODGE, TOO.”
You’re straying from the point, Elvis.
“TH’ POINT IS WHATEVER AH’M SAYIN’ AT TH’ TIME!”
“Should’ve seen the damn thing. It was like time vomited itself up. Everyone in the room’s wrists turned inside out. Jackass.”
“YER GETTIN’ AWFUL CLOSE T’ KARATE TIME, BASS PLAYER! YER LUCKY AH AM, AS AH SAID BEFORE, A MAN OF PEACE. WHAT TH’ MEMPHIS MAFIA FUCKS UP, TH’ MEMPHIS MAFIA FIXES. AH GOT MAH SENSEI ON IT.”
“Elvis, I’m in New York and John Lennon is dead.”
“SHOULD HE BE?”
“That depends. What year is it?”
“WHEN AH AM OR WHEN YOU ARE?”
“Jesus, man. Your sensei is Benjy?”
“HE HAS CONQUERED DEATH HISSELF. THAT BOY’S LIKE DARTH PLAGEUIS THE WISE, MAN. HE IS TEACHIN’ ME HIS SYSTEM OF MARTIAL ARTS, BENJIDO.”
“Okay, yeah: none of this is my fault. I may be drunk, but you’re a ninny.”
“Hey! Phil! How ya doing?”
“Lemme run one thing by you: Searching for the Sound 2?”
“What about a Cadillac?”
“GIVE THAT MAN A CADILLAC!”
“BAM! You just got Cadillac’d, Phil!”
“Okay. Phil out.”
DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH NO ONE WAS ON THE PHONE
“Elvis? King? Between you and me, all of this is Phil’s fault.”
“AH KNEW IT!”
“Yeah. You forgot about me.”
Oh. Huh. Well, the post’s over.
“I’d like to talk about my new alb–”
“I despise you.”