Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

An Incident At Bowling Green


“Hello, this is Libertarian 911. May I have your member name and password, please?”

“Yes, this is Rand Paul and a man’s broken into–”

“Sir, I did not ask for your life story. Member number and password, please.”

“What? Yeah, okay. It’s, uh, Dagnylover1488 and the password is cantaloupetits.”

“That is an interesting password.”

“Uh-huh. Those are my favorite tits. Can you just–”

“Hold, please.”


“Mr. Paul?”

“Yes? Can we get a move on?”

“We could, sir. I could expedite this call for an additional fee of $20.”

“Fine, okay.”

“What seems to be the problem, Mr. Paul.”


“No, I’m just a 911 operator, sir.”

“No, I’m…I don’t care. Just send some cops to my house, please!”

“Can I interest you in our Triple Threat bundle in which we send cops, firefighters, and paramedics to your house for a savings of 30% over what you would have been charged for the cops alone?”

“No, just the cops.”

“Yes, sir. What is your emergency?”

“There’s a man attacking me! He’s in my house! He’s either my neighbor or antifa.”

“That sounds terrible, sir. Now, would you like those cops same-day, overnight, or regular ground?”

“What? I want them here now!”

“Same-day. Yes, sir. I am sorry, but your current membership plan does not cover same-day law enforcement. Would you like to upgrade to Libertarian 911 Prime and access those services?”

“Yes, fine.”

“Let me update your account, sir.”


“Please, ma’am, can we hurry? I’m barricaded in my office.”

“I only have as many fingers as I have, Mr. Paul.”

“How many–”


“–fingers do you…I really don’t care. Just get the cops here.”

“Would you like to purchase the arms package?”

“What’s that?”

“Would you like the officers to bring their weapons?”


“That’s $50. Would you like them to burst into your home shooting wildly at anything that moves including your family and pets?”

“Obviously not!”

“That is $50, too. Now all I need to do is see your positive Yelp review and I’ll get those officers moving.”

“My what?”

“Members are required to write a Yelp review detailing their excellent interaction with Libertarian 911 before we can instigate any action on our part.”

“That’s absurd.”

“Sir, you signed the contract. Are you insinuating you weren’t a rational actor making decisions in your own self-interest?”

“No. No, of course not.”

“Should someone have stopped us from requiring you to write a Yelp review? Someone like the government?”

“Oh, God, no. Forget I mentioned it.”

“Forgetting you mentioned it will be an additional $50.”

“Okay. Um, the guy’s chopping down the door with an axe.”

“Well, you better get to Yelping, then, huh?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Thank you for choosing Libertarian 911.”

“I didn’t choose you. You undercut the police department until it went out of business and became a monopoly in the area.”

“God bless the free market, sir.”

“Yes, ma’am.”


  1. This is genius. Bless you thoughts on the dead.

  2. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    November 5, 2017 at 3:51 pm

    For a second there, I thought you were talking about the one in NYC.

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    November 5, 2017 at 5:45 pm


  4. Luther Von Baconson

    November 5, 2017 at 5:49 pm

    he just wanted his weed whipper back. Randy took it without asking of course.

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