- Senator John McCain, Arizona.
- Representative Jason Chaffetz, a closet in Utah.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger, former governor of California. (Remember that shit?)
- Judge Joseph Wapner, 2nd People’s Court of Appeals (deceased).
- Rin Tin Tin, famous dog (also deceased).
- Senator Mike Crappo, Idaho. Huh huh. You said Crappo.
- H.P. Lovecraft. (H.P. was, and still is, perfectly fine with the racism, but the vulgarity was too much.)
- William Bennett, pompous scold and slot machine fancier.
- Mysterio, Spider-Man villain with a fishbowl for a head.
- Tony the Tiger, breakfast feline.
- Senator Kelly Ayotte, New Hampshire.
- A picturesquely rotting barn, also New Hampshire.
- Billy Bob Thornton’s NASA-director character from Armageddon.
- Representative Martha Roby, Alabama. (The Republican senator from Alafuckingbama just unendorsed the Republican nominee. That is a thing that actually has happened in the actual world that we all live in.)
- Funky Joey Blisters, lead singer for Pittsburgh’s own The Pussy Grabbers. (“We’re not about violence, man. We’re a ska band.”)
(A NOTE: I apologize for seeming obsessed by this, but I’m obsessed by this. If you don’t like it, then go grab yourself in the pussy.
Sorry, Funky Joey.)