Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

An Increasingly Convoluted Happenstance

Aren’t you and Elvis supposed to be saving the world from Communism or something?

“That’s the plan, yeah. Waiting on him. Decided to come back to Daytona for a minute.”

Why?

“Enjoyed it.”

Yeah?

“Yup, yup.”

Bobby, please don’t use the Time Sheath to give Lillian Monster a do-over. We’re all unhappy she crashed, but this wanton use of time-altering devices is what got us here in the first place.

“Superman did it.”

And people are still mad at that part of the movie. It was very dumb.

“Admittedly, yeah, but there’s still precedent.”

Please don’t.

“She’s been moping around the house, man. Hasn’t told me she’s a vegan in a week.”

Oh, that’s not good.

“So, you know:  and then Elvis gets here, quick chrono-reset, and then, you know…whatever the hell is next.”

I advise against this.

“I’ll take your advice under advisement.”

“WE GOT OURSELVES ANOTHER DANG SITUATION!”

Oh, what now?

“Hey, Elvis.”

“YER DINGDONG BASS PLAYER DONE STOLE BACK THE TIME SCARF AN’–”

“HAIRY GARCIA!? WHAT HAPPENED T’ HAIRLESS GARCIA?”

“Okay, see: I am both of those people, but I’m actually not that person and also that’s the wrong name.”

“AH UNNERSTOOD NONE O’ THAT.”

“Yeah, but it’s all logical. Go check.”

“AIN’T NO REVERSE TO TH’ KING! AH GO FORWARD, MAN, OR SOMETIMES SIDE T’ SIDE, AN’ ALSO AH REST SOMETIMES.”

“Sweet ride.”

“YOU HAVE A JEWELER’S EYE, BOY. THIS HERE’S A PIECE O’ DETROIT STEEL MADE RIGHT IN MEMPHIS. AH CALL IT TH’ CHARIOT, HOW YOU LIKE THEM SWEET TITTIES?”

“Bike’s great, titties are great. All in, Elvis.”

“GOOD T’ HEAR.”

“Who’s your buddy?”

“THIS A HOBO AH PICKED UP ON MAH TRAVELS. IN CASE OF DINOSAUR ATTACK, AH PLANNED TO THROW THE VAGRANT TO TH’ BEAST.”

“Well, it’s good that you didn’t have to. I guess that means no more dinosaurs?”

“NO, THIS HERE’S TH’ NINTH HOBO AH’VE PICKED UP. REST ALL GOT ET UP.”

“Ah.”

Guys. I need both of you to concentrate. Elvis, what did you say about the Time Sheath–

“SCARF!”

“He calls it a scarf.”

–getting stolen by Phil?

“WHO?”

The bass player.

“The bass player.”

“YESSIR, THAT DRUNKEN FOOL DONE SNUCK INT’ MAH PRIVATE HOME AN’ STOLE AWAY WITH THE TIME SCARF. AN’ ALSO TH’ TIME CAPE. AN’ HE RUMMAGED THROUGH MAH MEDICINE CABINET SOMETHIN’ FIERCE. PLUS, HE MIGHTA STOLEN CHARLIE HODGE.”

Might have?

“CHARLIE HODGE COULDA ALSO GOTTEN ET BY TH’ STEGOSAURUS IN TH’ RACQUETBALL COURT.”

That thing’s still in there?

“WELL, WHY DON’ YOU TELL ME HOW T’ GET A 80-TON IGUANA OUTTA A RACQUETBALL COURT? WE DONE CALLED EV’RY EXTERMINATOR IN TOWN.”

They all refused?

“THEY ALL GOT ET!”

We need to stay on topic. You have a habit of digressing.

“MAH MIND WANDERS LIKE A PROPHET.”

Phil—the bass player–has all the time machines?

“AN’ AH BELIEVE HE STOLE A HAM FROM ME.”

The ham is not important.

“AH HAD MAH MOUTH ALL FIXED FOR IT.”

Forget about the ham.

“GONNA HAVE MISS MARY COVER IT UP WITH MAGIC SHELL. THAT CHOCOLATE STUFF GETS ALL HARD, MAN? THASS A DANG MIRACLE. COMES OUT SOFT, GETS HARD. LIKE IF A BONER WAS DELICIOUS.

“I agree. You can’t beat Magic Shell.”

Bobby, I forgot you were here.

“Elvis draws a lot of attention.”

“AH AM A SPECTACLE.”

So, neither of you has any sort of time machine?

“Nope.”

“AH DO NOT. LEMME ASK TH’ HOBO.”

“HE DOES NOT.”

Great. You two are useless. I’ll handle this.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“This is Phil Lesh of the Grateful Dead.”

Give back the Time Sheath; give back the Time Cape; you can keep the ham.

“You got the wrong guy.”

You just said you were Phil Lesh.

“I’m Phil from ’95.”

Dammit. I misdialed. Sorry.

“You looking for ’78 me? He owes me $20.”

’85 version.

“What did that drunken jackass do now?”

Stole a couple time machines.

“And a ham?”

And a ham.

“Not my problem.”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

5 Comments

  1. You know what is complicated ?

    You know.. I don’t have to say it, do I?

  2. now I want ham

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    February 28, 2017 at 4:48 pm

    ’62 I guess

    a young Phil

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