Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

An Inexplicable Intersectionality

Can a Trump supporter be a Deadhead?

Oh, piss off with your politics.

This is important.

It’s the opposite of important. This topic is portant.

No, “im” isn’t a negating prefix in “important;” it’s part of the root.

Suck my root.

We’re doing this whether or not you want to.

Fine. Could you repeat the question?

Can a–

Yes.

You didn’t need me to repeat the question. You just wanted to interrupt me.

Also yes. I assume we’re having this discussion because of today’s article about Steve Bannon being a Deadhead?

Correct.

Yes, a Trump Supporter can be a Deadhead.

How?

It’s a free country, and there’s no secret handshake.

Yes, I’m aware there are neither rules nor laws forbidding such a thing, but what I’m asking is how someone can reconcile two such diametrically-opposed worldviews in order to be a fan of both Trump and the Dead

By completely misunderstanding either Trump or the Dead.

Ah.

That’s the theological reading, though, and rests on ferreting out unknowable thoughts and intentions. A doxological view would only judge actions. Go on tour for a few years, pull the lever for the liar, and there you go: Trump-loving Deadhead.

I prefer to baselessly speculate about people’s hidden agendas.

Me, too. Let’s do that.

I mean, it’s no fun to be so cut-and-dried.

Right, plus we haven’t declared anyone fake Scotsmans yet.

Oh, let’s do that now. Are you saying Trump supporters can’t be real Deadheads?

What’s a real Deadhead?

Someone who loves the band.

I don’t see the disconnect.

Wait. Somone who gets the band.

Ahhhh. I have no idea what that means.

A Deadhead understands the message of the Grateful Dead.

They had a manifesto?

No, they had a philosophy. A belief system. A half-baked cosmology. What about the lyrics?

The ones that Hunter made a point of never explaining?

There’s a correct interpretation of them.

Does this “correct” interpretation happen to be your interpretation?

Dude, I’m just fucking with you.

I mean, really.

You can argue about the precise theme of the Dead’s existence, but “Sell off the country while fomenting racial hatred and restarting the War on Drugs” was definitely not it.

What about Steve Bannon?

Steve Bannon is a racist beanbag chair full of stubble and rum.

What about him being a Deadhead?

First of all, Stevie is just one in a long, long, long line of Deadhead cult leaders. He’s that asshole from the Church of Unlimited Devotion, but instead of reading too much mysticism, he read too much history. The band has always attracted messianic dudes. (It’s always dudes.)

And second?

Second is that sometimes awful people have wonderful taste in music. Idi Amin was into The Stooges way before anyone else. Practically discovered Elvis Costello. They said he had the coolest record collection in Uganda. Of course, they had to say that or he’d throw them to crocodiles.

Focus.

Now I’m picturing Idi Amin as a record nerd forcing his friends to listen to his import singles.

Focus.

I’m back. Besides, Steve might not be the worst Deadhead ever, we don’t know.

He’s worse than Ann Coulter. Or the bow-tie dipshit. Same category, but Bannon’s got actual power.

True, true. Even before his new job, he would have been up there in the stratosphere of Embarrassing Deadheads, but now he’s clearly the winner. That wasn’t my point, though. There was almost certainly a Tour Strangler.

A what?

A serial killer who strangled his victims along the route of the Dead’s schedule. Tour Strangler. Gotta admit, it’s a great cover: the only trick is that you can’t ever murder any fellow ‘heads because that will bring too much heat. You would have to strangle, like, nuns or something. When the cops find Sister Crinoline’s body the next day, you’re already on your way to Hampton or Alpine Valley or wherever.

Why does your mind work this way?

I’m creative.

You’re saying that the only thing keeping Steve Bannon from the title of “World’s Worst Deadhead” is the imagined existence of a serial killer in a Microbus?

It’s not imagined. I now believe very strongly in the Tour Strangler.

Stop that.

It should be noted that Steve Bannon has not killed anyone yet, unless we’re holding him responsible for the botched SEAL raid and all the drone attacks.

I think we should.

Oh, then Steve Bannon has killed dozens of people.

Noted. Here’s the question: what draws assholes to the Dead?

Same thing that draws saints. The music.

I just don’t understand where the two spheres overlap.

There’s a couple points of intersection. Conspiracy fuckers love the Dead, and they love Trump. Money assholes, I suppose: can’t swing a cat on Wall Street without hitting some turd in a tie-dye and a red cap. Aging white men.

Aging white men.

Nitrous Mafia.

They’re not Deadheads. They’re violent parasites who stand outside concerts.

Definitely Trump folks, though.

I am not as sure of anything as I am sure that the Nitrous Mafia went for Trump in the election and still has his back.

The truth is that people are fucky squirrels, and they can juggle ideas in their head so that they never touch one another. The most pious priest can believe that Jesus preached to suffer the little children, and then make little children suffer. A slave owner can write a document guaranteeing freedoms. You ever see how many nurses smoke? Folks can cram all sorts of non-agreeable bullshit into their brains.

So a Deadhead can be a Trump supporter?

There is no litmus for Deadheadom, nor is there a purity test. Unlike certain parties, Deadheads do not believe in extreme vetting.

Can a Trump Supporter be an Enthusiast?

Fuck, no.

Why not?

I said so.

7 Comments

  1. 150 years of psychology in four words: “people are fucky squirrels.”

    • http://dlisted.com/2016/08/29/ann-coulter-found-out-what-happens-when-ann-coulter-goes-to-a-roast/

      “If you are here, Ann, who is scaring the crows away from our crops?” – Pete Davidson

      “I’m not the only athlete up here. As you know, earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby.” – Peyton Manning

      “Ann, you’re awful. The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave.” – Nikki Glaser

      “After seeing your set tonight, we’ve seen the first bombing you can’t blame on a Muslim.” – Rob Lowe

      “Ann is against gay marriage. What is your thinking on that? If I can’t get a husband, they can’t either?” – Jeff Ross

      “How do I roast someone from hell? Ann, you are the only woman ever to sexually harass Roger Ailes.” – Jeff Ross

      “Ann Coulter and no black people? What are we roasting? A cross?” – Pete Davidson

      “God, it’s white up here. It’s the only way we could get Ann Coulter, though.” – Nikki Glaser

      “Ann Coulter has written 11 books, 12 if you include Mein Kampf.” – Nikki Glaser

      “I do want to say as a feminist that I can’t support everything that’s been said tonight. But as someone who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted.” – Jewel

      “Ann is one of the most repugnant, hateful, hatchet-face bitches alive. It’s not too late to change, Ann. You could kill yourself.” – Jimmy Carr

      Ann was booed by the audience too, but she didn’t care,

  2. Bobweirsmoustache

    March 16, 2017 at 9:13 am

    Can a Trump Supporter be an Enthusiast?

    Fuck, no.

    Why not?

    I said so.

    Thank you for that

  3. Trouble ahead. Trouble behind.

  4. No one is perfectly good or perfectly evil. Bannon now has two good qualities in my mind – good taste in music and dressing comfortably, societal expectations be damned.
    Everything else about him is utter shit. My favorite is his buy-in to Strauss and Howe’s theory of a coming “fourth turning.”
    http://time.com/4575780/stephen-bannon-fourth-turning/
    This shit is on par with astrology. Ignoring the many differences between the theorized three prior cycles (4 turnings per cycle): (1) 7 cycles is a shitty sample size, (2) it’s possible some unique development like, say the development of nuclear arsenals that could wipe out mankind, might disrupt the cycle. At the very least, it seems the development of nuclear weapons makes a fourth turning a potentially cataclysmic event, not something to be actively pursued. But Bannon doesn’t give a fuck because Death by Alcoholism has been parked outside his from door with the engine running for quite a while now.

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