An Open Letter To Amir Bar-Lev

Dear Amir Bar-Lev,

Hi. How are you? Been a while since we talked. I see you have either put on or lost weight. Do you family? If you do, then I hope you are familying well. Similarly, I wish prosperity to the sports team you follow.

I wish we could chit and chat this way for hours, Amir, but we must get to the point because I do not have too much time. You seem like an intelligent and well-informed man. After all, your name is Amir and you make documentaries for a living; I would not assume so much of you if your name was Stump and you earned your keep as a human alarm clock.

Surely a smart and well-informed man would have heard of the numerous times a dying fan has been permitted to see a movie ahead of its release date. This is a great publicity move, and also a mitzvah.

Yes, Amir Bar-Lev: I am dying. My heebie-jeebies have metastasized; the doctors say I only have anywhere from one minute to seventy years left to live. The end could come at any second.

Still not convinced why you should let me see the documentary early, Amir? What about these wonderful reasons:

• If I do not succumb to my heebie-jeebies during or immediately after the film, I will almost certainly write nice things about it.
• Think of the inspirational and touching Instagram photo we can take of you showing me the film while I lie in my hospital bed. (I am not actually in the hospital, but would totally sneak into a hospital with you and look real sick while you took the picture.)
• If you don’t, and I die before seeing the movie, then I will come back to earth and haunt the living shit out of you; I would be your personal Babadook.
• Dying
• Man’s
• Last
• Fucking
• Wish.
• Usually when this kind of stuff happens, the filmmakers are forced to hang out with sick kids, but it would be cool with me if you just sent the file by e-mail or something.
• Bobby said it was okay, I swear.
• Cough cough cough.
• So weak.
• Fading.

In conclusion: I am a dying person and would like to see Long Strange Trip: A Trip Of Strange Longevity before everyone else because I am special I die. I would call the Make-A-Wish Foundation, but my research shows that they are a front for the Clinton Foundation to launder Saudi money through, and I decided to cut out the middleman. Also, the Make-A-Wish Foundation has blocked my number.

Let’s make this happen, Amir Bar-Lev.

Sincerely,

TotD