Dear Great Britain,
Hi. How are you? I’m fine. Is it raining there? I bet it is. Have you been to many nice soccer riots lately? Sorry your Prime Minister fucked a pig. If it makes you feel better, our politicians are embarrassing, too.
I write to you about the upcoming referendum to leave the European Union. In June, all of Great Britain will vote Yes or No on the question: Is Germany and France’s bullshit worth putting up with? Access to the free trade that is the EU has filled many pockets, but there is a hefty cover charge in the form of byzantine regulations, weird foreign bureaucracy, and an approach to border control that can be boiled down to “let everyone in and then give them money.”
Much like when Scotland had its recent referendum on independence, I have not done the research to have an opinion. (What is it with you guys and referendums about leaving? Is that how you breakup with your husbands and wives? I admire a populist plebiscite as much as the next man, but you’re getting obsessive about it.)
Instead of making any arguments, I shall offer a solution: would you like to be a state?
Hear me out.
Great Britain has more in common with the United States than with Europe. First and foremost, we both speak English. This cuts down on translation fees. (You’ll probably have to learn Spanish, too, but it’s a language with a strong rules and none of our silent-letter bullshit. It’s one of your easier languages to be a moron in: most languages take years of study to be even get to idiot status, but you can make it to full-fledged moron in Spanish pretty quick if you apply yourself. Spanish is the opposite of Cherokee.)
Our countries share a history, and a so-called Special Relationship. We kicked your ass in the Revolution, and you burned the White House in 1812. That makes us even. Since our initial martial squabbles, America and Great Britain have been the staunchest of allies. In fact, not only were we allies, we were Allies. We bro’d so hard that shit had to get capitalized, yo. Remember what we did to Germany?
The good old days.
But, you think, what’s in it for us? And then you sip your tea and dream of the Empire.
America HAS an empire! You can be a part of that! It’s great, if you never think about it for more than a second!
Also, we do not call it an empire, which I suppose is George Lucas’ fault. (So many things are.) But, we have 800 military bases in 80 countries. Literally the largest armed occupation of the planet that’s ever existed. Way bigger than yours, but we don’t boast about it. Also the economic fleecing thing you used to do, but instead of calling it Colonialism, we call it Globalism. So, you’ll be comfortable in both of those regards as American citizens.
Speaking of citizenry, you will no longer be subjects, and therefore no longer live in fear of having your head lopped off by a drunken earl. As Americans, you will now have rights. There’s one right in particular I’m thinking of that you probably don’t want to have, but you have to buy the whole package. The Constitution is like a Chinese food menu: no substitutions.
What more is in it for you? Borderless trade with America. (Well, except for the Atlantic ocean. It’s not going to be borderless like us and Canada. Also: we will always love Canada more, and you should have your eyes open about that fact coming into this.)
Anything else? Of course: you will be guaranteed at least one NFL team, until it is moved to Los Angeles. You will be paying for the stadium and not allowed to tax the stadium, but an old man who looks like an indicted lizard will get to keep all of the profits. (There are an unbelievable amount of profits.) You will also get to hear professional athletes talking about Jesus, which I understand is not done over there. Trust me: it’s fun.
There is also the sensitive subject of immigration. Great Britain began as an isolated island, but the more recent influx of people from throughout the Empire, and their descendants, have instead of fragmenting British culture, strengthened it. Without immigrants coming to your nation, you would not have curries, and before there were curries, when a Brit was drunkenly hungry, he had to eat gravy and wash it down with Bovril.
America is a country founded by, and peopled with, immigrants. There were people here when we arrived, sure, but they fucked off eventually. America is from somewhere else, and all of her sons and daughters were thrown, chased, or starved out of all the decent countries.
However, any nation must be free to set its own rules about who comes in. (For example, in the late 1800’s after the railroad was built, America found that it had too many Chinese people, so it excluded them for a while. Let the other countries get a turn, was the thinking, perhaps.) In these dire days of mass massacre, it is only prudent to set a guard by the walls to the city.
My point is this: if you become a state, we’ll build you a wall. We’re going to get started on one any day, and Mexico’s paying for it. We will get Mexico to buy you one, too.
Think it over, Great Britain. We would love to have you.
The United States of America
P.S. You only get two Senators for the 60 million of you. California makes it work, so you’ll have to, too.